Minister of Propaganda
Never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
I found out why nurses carry red crayons
In case they have to draw blood.
I want to be a mailman, but my friends keep telling me I’ll be terrible at it.
Oops, posted this in the wrong place.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
I’m secretly a really cool person, but I can’t let anyone know.
I'm incogneato.
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for…
I can never get a straight answer.
Why does Waldo from the Where’s Waldo books wear stripes?
Cause he doesn’t wanna be spotted
Some of my closest friends might describe me as “deceitful”.
Jokes on them, though. They aren't my friends.
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry that makes me.
Why did the blonde woman have bruises on her belly button?
Because blonde men are stupid too.
My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it’s like for a selfless guy to go down on them.
It just gives us some scents of perp puss.
Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.
What is the difference between an epileptic clam shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits.
I was gonna give archery a shot
But theres too many drawbacks Edit: Heckin thanks for the platinum!!!
Why did the medium cross the road?
To speak to the other side!
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!" she asks. "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and… "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
Where is EA Sports headquarters located?
It’s in the game.
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
Your essays should be like a girls skirt.
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and up on my desk by Friday midnight.
I walked into a homeware store.
Came out with a jacket made of bricks and some shoes made of marble.
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late to his first class, 8 minutes late to his second, and 4 minutes late to the third.
At this rate, he will never be in class on time.
Teacher asked “What is the formula of water?” Student said “H I J K L M N O” teacher said “that’s not the formula of water”
Student said “you said the formula was H to O”.
*burgler gently waking me*
You live like this?
If you regret your vote in 2016, don’t worry about it
Hindsight is 2020
Why did the chicken use the crosswalk?
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
A horse walks into a bar
The bartender says "Hey!" Then the horse replies "Sounds good!"
I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.
We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
