Mission Accomplished
My husband: “Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom!”
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7 My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
I’ll never let my children watch the orchestra
There’s way too much sax and violins
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
I was racking up to play pool with my son, and he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said, “We haven’t even started. How lazy are you?”
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it “Auto-Correct”.
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines…
[OC] A man was riding on a bus.
The police pulled the bus over and ordered him to get down.
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
What do you call a redditor who can wield Mjolnir?
A reddithor.
I was in the bar last night and this guy said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!”
I asked, “Is that a fret?”
Why should you just be honest to fat people?
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
I had to get a loan to pay for an exorcism.
They said if I didn’t pay it back on time I’d get repossessed.
Why do detectives have such bad posture?
Because they always have a hunch.
One day an engineer was crossing a road when
a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer replied, "Hey, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
The Avatar should come back to us when he gets old.
Like a good boomer Aang.
What “supporting your neighbor looks like” from a distance during COVID-19. #respect
https://ift.tt/2VJtwgx
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me…. I want you to meet someone new.”
“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name
'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know — a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Bro, do you want a pamphlet?
Brochure!
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat
I’ve had a stiff neck all day
After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”
“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!” “-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”
I love dry erase boards.
They're remarkable.
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at
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I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.