Mistaken identity
A guy goes into a drug store looking for some disinfectant. He walks up to an employee in a white uniform and asks her "Excuse me, do you sell any products here that will kill the Corona Virus?"
She says, "ammonia cleaner". . . He replies, "Oh sorry to bother you, I thought you were a pharmacist."
Some last names originate from what the family did in the past…
Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons…
My 67 y/o quiet and shy dad wanted me to share his masterpiece across North America
https://ift.tt/39n5Cfp
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.
One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!" That was the punch line.
It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
Only a fraction of the people will get this joke
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. “Don’t fret!” he said. “Just duet and we’ll live in harmony until the end of time!”
Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor. Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck and beat her. Domestic violins.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test…..we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car………
Why did 7 eat 9 ?
it’s recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day
Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.
A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.
When emergency services arrived, they asked the farmer what happened? FARMER: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them. One of the firemen asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"? FARMER: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive". But I couldn't believe them. You know, these politicians. They can lie.
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
What happened to the dull knife’s application
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man stated, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and he charged them $50.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.00. The Hilton charges $108.00. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my insurance company!"
My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.
So I brought her home diet pills.
What did the grape say after it got stood on?
Nothing, it just started wine-ing
I was fired from the keyboard factory
I didn't put in enough shifts
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks “Is having a penis nice?”
The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.
That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.
Just got back from the Transformers convention
and boy are my arms tires.
My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
My doctors name is Peter Parker.
But I just call him Web MD.
Looking for a b’day card in a card bin we have, came across this gem my mom had saved…
https://ift.tt/3aphdfm
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the painting.
“To be and not to be”
—Schrödinger's Hamlet
Joke
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time, Bob?" Bob: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
My favorite time of day is 6:30; hands down
No text found
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
What do podiums like to sing?
I'm a dais, I'm a DAIS! I'm a DAIS!
Oh man, Joe. Looks like you should be put in a cage like the rest of the criminals.
https://ift.tt/32POHQb
I went to a gender reveal party the other day
It was great, but I can’t work out why I was the only naked person there.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens