Mitch
My girlfriend broke up with me. So i took her wheel chair.
Guess who came crawling back.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man,
So I stuck it in her ass and said, “Yeah, you like that Steve.”
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
What do you call a cage filled with Quarters, Dimes, and Pennies?
Nickel-less Cage!
I don’t trust French food
It always gives me the crêpes
Our wedding was so beautiful…
even the cake was in tiers.
My friend claims he can print a gun in using his 3D printer…
But I'm not impressed, I've had a canon printer for ages.
What’s another name for Vampires?
Neck-romancer
A Mexican magician was performing on stage
He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three, "Uno" "Dos" And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres
I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.
It called glazed and confused.
My wife dated a professional clown before we started going out.
I had some big shoes to fill.
A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol…
One gent stops to discuss the matter: “See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?” “Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing. “Well listen- wouldn’t it make a little sense if you at least tried some before you knocked it?” The nun thinks about it, then says- “Perhaps you’re right.” “Okay! Now we’re talking! What would you like to try?” “I’ve heard something about a… Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon.” “Comin’ right up, Sister!” The guy walks in and orders a Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon. The bartender goes- “A Fuzzy Navel with a twist of le— IS THAT NUN OUT THERE AGAIN?!?”
Why couldn’t the computer take its Hat off?
Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.
A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..
So I told him, “C4 yourself”
People keep saying today is pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
NEWS: Chuck Norris has coronavirus.
… for breakfast.
What type of porn does Bill Gates like?
micro soft porn
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it
My illegal logging business is a success
I have a confession to make, I was addicted to soap.
But I’m clean now.
I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th.
But that’s another storey.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
I bought a wooden whistle
But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
If you only believe in 12.5% of the bible
You're an eighth theist
I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.
The competition was pretty stiff.
It is okay if you don’t know what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn't help at all.
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut
Me: Did you know that abbreviating names might be sometimes confusing?
GF: Really? Me: Yes. George Foreman: How so?
What do you call a mute bodyguard?
A silent knight.
I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard
I said toucan play that game.
My mate keeps buying cars
He’s got car owner virus
What does sex and bungee jumping have in common?
The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.