Mmhmm
The man next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like he's never seen a penis before.
Not really humour apart from how fucking absurd it is. How do people justify this?
https://ift.tt/37Fudf5
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
My therapist just told me that I have serious trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
Did you know that it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Mom got a sex change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home. That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them. "Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked. He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
I didn’t realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner
My wife and kids HATED her!
Started a new job recently and my fiance asked me if there was a gym in my building…
I said, not sure I haven't met everyone yet. She was not amused.
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization…
…when will the U.S. government start arming them?
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"
Have you heard of atheism?
It’s a non-prophet organization
My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
Do you know why the say “be there or be square?”
Because you're not around.
A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.
"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these — they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go." The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: So where are the fish? Fisherman: What fish?
What do you call a child with a caffeine addiction?
A tea toddler
This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today…
Not everyone of you, of course.
What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?
One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
Trump book
Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
People were dying…
…to meet the new mortician…
