My wife said, “You are not a Jedi, just use the goddamn key.”
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening at around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you,” the husband said. “I've been having an affair with my secretary and we had sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt from you for years.
v Sorry, I think my ctrl key is broken.
General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor. Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their commander in chief, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again. Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the General "How many is a brazillion?"
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
We opened for The Doors
It only made it more sluggish.
But I just don’t have the balls to do it
Those damn mooselimbs.
I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Because they have no body to go with.
to talk about hispanic attacks.
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
It was too much fizzical labor.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
Remains to be seen.
In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want for your first wish?" "Just bring me my horse," the cowboy answered. They brought him his horse, he whispered in the horse's ear, slapped him on the butt and sent him off. That evening, the horse came back with a beautiful blonde woman riding. The cowboy went with her into a teepee, and the Indians grumbled "Typical white man, can only think of sex…" The next morning, the cowboy was brought to the chief again. "Today you get second wish, what should we do for you?" "Just bring me my horse." Again, the cowboy whispered to the horse and sent him off. That evening the horse returned with a redhead. As she and the cowboy entered the teepee, the Indians were facepalming again at the condemned white man who only wanted sex. On the third morning, the chief said "Well, white man, tonight at sundown you die. What do you want for your last wish?" "Just bring me my horse." With a sigh, the chief beckoned for the horse to be brought forth. The cowboy grabbed the horse's ear with both hands, and yelled into it: "POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"
They only added the F after he died
New password is “chickenkiev”
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
“Can I have a drink for me and one for the road”
One's gorgeous, the other's just Gore.
I've never been good at geometry.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
…has only made me stronger.
Really helped me see things in a different light
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom..