Mmmmmbacon
Tap this for a little known fact!
ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ
I renamed my IPod to Titanic.
It’s syncing.
paper
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
I once won a fight that was five against one.
We really kicked the shit out of that guy.
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
The most notable difference is whether you see them later or in a while…
I went to get tornado insurance for my camp site, but the bank refused.
They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
Why was Batman in a hurry?
He had to go to the Batroom.
I hate vacuum cleaners. They suck.
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I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
Why couldn’t Emperor Augustus attend the silent disco?
Because he was 2 BC.
New Tesla’s dont have a new car smell
The come with a Elon Musk.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, and Gandalf walk into a bar
Gimli and the Hobbits are short and walk under it.
This one is a little bit political,I hope that doesn’t break any rules
Taiwan:I am China China:No I am China Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan China:No you are China
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now." she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?" I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess" …
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given
For Christmas morning, I’m going to make Eggs Benedict, and I’m going to serve them on hubcaps from a 1962 Ford…
…because there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels
Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.
Firefighters are worth their weight in gold.
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.