how programming languages got their names
Shock the pool
This should be an ongoing annual thing
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave
Fascism in the USA
Racism everywhere. What next?
I once threw a quarter into the San Andreas…
I have always wanted to be generous to a fault.
My dad’s boomer friend just posted this. Wife bad. Must kill. Then maybe grill.
I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.
A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.
My wife surprised me with this awesome gift.
I was going to start a bourbon company,
but I heard it's whiskey buisness.
*googles best responsive web templates*
At least it’s not hateful
What is a Cannibal?
Someone who is fed up with people.
I just got accepted into the most popular anger management group.
It’s all the rage.
Me as a Project Manager
Christmas music bad
Thank god daddy’s got a new gun
Big Nosed Batman
Every programmer’s facing this kinda problem :P
How do you find your dog if it’s lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
Wifi = aliens?
Oh god the Irony…..
At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it
He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade
I think this fits here.
Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will just let it go.
How i feel WWIII as a Iranian
What Drumpf’s own people had to say about him…
My grandma shared this on Facebook today
4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.
They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday. Celebrating their white lie they had another big night out and headed back on Monday. When they got back on campus Tuesday they went and saw their professor and she asked if they were all right, thanked them for letting her know ahead of time, and told them to get ready for the test. Inwardly laughing they were separated into four separate rooms so as not to cheat. All four flipped over the sheet and saw only two questions: For 5% credit, what does DSM stand for in the DSM-5? For 95% credit, which tire went flat?
Found on LinkedIn
A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption…
She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East. Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have been. After months of searching, the investigator comes back to her with only a single photo of the boy adopted out to the Mexican couple. "There's no photo of the other child!?" the woman says, dismayed. The investigator shrugs. "Geeze, lady! They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?
Well yes Bob, I do. Great, can you please get laid more often?
When your mom is beating your brother and you realized your next.
When 3 people have sex, it’s a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome.
Now I understand why they call you handsome
No one died of laughter since 1989
“My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it's what he would have wanted."
What do you have if you have a snowball in your right and a snowball in your left hand?
Frosty's full and undivided attention!
Until it happens the raven website is our best friend
why do we have people out there who actually think like this?
I’m a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
Sometimes JS does somersaults too.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas!
Why aren’t koalas considered real bears?
Because they don't have the right koalafications
Everybody gangsta till the eucaryote enslaved you
is this even
What do you call the bad part of Italy?
Thought this also belonged here
Dang kids want new useful technology!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources – they're very good sources – that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is. Joe Biden: Why did the chicken do the…thing in the…you know the rest. SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick! BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period. AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves. JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here. DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. AL GORE: I invented the chicken. JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone. KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? Edit: wow I’m so glad you guys are enjoying this, and my first gold!! Thank you!!!
If life gives you melons,
You might be dyslexic
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home?
His sails went through the roof
“My lord, is that… legal?”, I’ll make it legal. And very cool…”
… slightly above “The Astronomical”
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room
I just flew in from Chernobyl
And boy are my arms legs
My family and friends all laughed when I told them that one day, I would discover the secrets of invisibility…
If only they could see me now…
Boomers can’t technology very well.
An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon…
An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?" The others look up with a scowl that would curdle milk, but one looks at the clock and shakes his head. He points out the time to the others and they gather up their chips and go. "Play alone, we're a-leavin'. Wild Bill's comin' to town." The writer is confused, but smells a story brewing; a strong one at that. He hoofs it up to the bar, passing most other patrons on their way out, and slaps a whole dollar bill on the table, "Barkeep, give me a beer and a story, and you can keep the change." After taking a quick glance at the clock, the bartender shakes his head, pours the beer, and pushes the bill back to the reporter. "The drink is on the house, but I suggest you drink it quick and leave. Wild Bill is coming to town." Without another word the 'tender puts his last glass away and walks right out the swinging doors, leaving the reporter in an empty bar. Now fear in his gut tears at him as he hears the emptiness in that bar. This emptiness seems to seep in as he realizes that he's about to be the last man in this town, alone with only the sound of that ticking clock to keep him company. Still, a story of this caliber must be worth something; so he waits… Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, Bong<CRACK!>- Just as the clock strikes the first chime of twelve, a sound like thunder splitting a mountain is heard outside. The reporter runs to the doors to see what it is. In the distance and closing fast is a tornado coming right for the bar. The reporter hits the ground and watches as the tornado comes up to the bar and stops. The wind settles and there is a giant of a man riding a grizzly bear. He steps off the bear, and instead of hitching it, he punches the great beast right in the face <WHAM!>, knocking it cold on the ground. The reporter is so scared he runs back into the bar and dives behind the counter, sure that this is the last of his days. <KaPLOW!> the giant kicks in the saloon doors, and they turn to splinters that imbed themselves into the walls and break bottles and glasses that they touch. The man walks up to the bar, breaking every floor board with each thundering step. He looks down at the reporter and slams his fist on the bar, cracking it down the middle, "GIMME A DRINK!" The reporter comes up, shakily holding out two bottles of whisky; which the giant snatches up, chews the glass tops off of, and drinks down as fast as the amber liquid can spill from the bottles. He throws both bottles in the air, whips out his six-shooter and fires off a round. The single bullet rips through both bottles showering the reporter with shards that rain down. Regretting his curiosity and repenting of his life, the reporter stands on weakened legs and whimpers out, "W-w-w-would y-you like a-another drink?" The man turns to him, fire in his eyes, then glances at the clock… "Nah, I gotta go. Wild Bill's comin' to town."
My buddy drowned the other day
I placed a life jacket in his coffin It's what he would've wanted
Ayyy but no rent tho
Merry Cake Day!..wait..there’s no cake ;-;
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
This academic life is amazing 😅
Smudge the cat goes missing
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you’re smiling?
Haha, I made you smile.
How to be informed about Covid-19
Thought NZ would win the World Cup
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you…
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Pp very hard