Modern Patriots
In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)
"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?" "Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years."
The guy who invented predictive text died last night…
his funfair is next monkey
I had a medical condition when I was a child, I had to eat soil 3 times a day or I would die.
Really, I was quite lucky my older brother told me about it.
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP!… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… …on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and, [Wait for it…] The coffin stops.
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
What do you do if a turkey starts chasing you during a snow storm?
You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.
What do you call cold Mexican food?
Chillychangas
If male cows ate one another instead of hay…
It would be appropriate to serve meals to them as "Can-a-bull."
How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you?
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
Recently took a poll.
99% of people were annoyed when their tent fell down.
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
My credit card company sent me a camouflaged bull.
It’s the hidden charges you have to watch out for.
“Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?”
“No, shit, Sherlock.”
Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.
It is not stroganoff.
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms, the greater the resistance.
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me
I can’t stand when my wife
tells me to sit
Running out of toilet paper, in a time like this, makes sense
I always knew we would wipe ourselves out
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
What do you call a turkey’s evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Aww poor baby. Just dont buy the latest iphone or avocado toast. You’ll be fine
https://ift.tt/2PTlS1L
250 dogs escaped from the SPCA
Police are following a number of leads.
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.
So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.” She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been fishing again!!!” Edit: Thank you for the silver kind stranger, you like fishing huh?
I put LEDs on her engagement ring
Her face lit up when I proposed
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
Three priests gathered together for a drink .
During their get together ,the hoast ask the other two : How do you split your money with the Lord ? "I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest. The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" . "How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest. I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle
Is the Viagra I’ve been sold fake?
As it stands, no.
Where’s the best place in France to take in the sights?
The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted: “Uno…” “Dos…” And disappeared without a trace.
In the early 1900’s, a number of protests arose because of employment of children in coal mines.
I suppose you could say the owners had a minor minor miner problem.
I don’t just play soccer cause I like the sport.
I’m just in it for kicks.
So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer…
The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer. Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says: — What, have you never seen a naked woman before? — That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.
A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.
“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.” So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm. “Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it the crucifact.
I can still remember when my mom would tuck me in…
She really wanted a daughter…
My chemistry teacher asked me :
Teacher: What’s the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?
Bro was really hungry
Bro was really hungry