Mods are asleep, upvote stack overflow
Reupload because stupid
Ha ha women talk too much
I have a friend who really loves to count.
I wonder what he’s up to?
My dad took me to an Apple store to buy me an iPhone 11
Me: "Please don't fart here." Dad: "Why?" Me: "Because they don't have Windows."
My wife didn’t think I’ll give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
Incoming Satirical Meme
Perfect job doesn’t exis…
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden.
To my horror, I saw her kill a butterfly. To teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
Next level noses
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile
by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Stupid Butch Gaylord
I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it
Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!
Got myself a new tattoo!
Gotta love dad jokes
Wife: I have something I need to tell you, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad. Wife: No you’re not.
I went for my interview to be a bus driver.
I said, "Sorry I'm late." They said, "You're hired"
Why was 11am afraid of 12am?
It hated the dark.
What kind of bird doesn’t have babies
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
We’ve done it. Reality and Satire have finally merged.
Knock knock. Who’s there. Cash.
Cash who? No thanks, but I'll take a peanut! For allergic kids: No thanks, I'm allergic!
America is finally great again
I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then i turned myself around.
What genre are national anthems?
My favorite time of day is 6:30; hands down
No text found
Even better with Orange-Man 2019!
I almost feel bad for him
I tried to make a science meme, what do yall think?
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
A boomer’s Valentine
Two wives went out for girls’ night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says, "No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties." "You think you have it bad?", says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."
My dad’s Facebook is a goldmine
I’m sorry for the truth
OK. I admit it. I’m an unemployed leather worker.
I’ve got nothing to hide.
I’m bad at titles
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!" His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
My friend was found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ?
We got you Bernie
tick tock times running out
Doctor: “Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live.”
Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?" Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!" Doc: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, okay." Doc: "Do you stay up late?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I shall." Doc: "Do you have sex often?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I’ll do that too." Doc: "Do you smoke?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I will." Doc: "Do you drink?" Man: "Yes…" Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?" Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century.
My dad died yesterday.
Now he makes deadjokes.
Both are true
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
Friendly reminder to set your file associations accordingly
HAHA funny bc wife bad no sex!
Hi, I’m Robin
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking cigarettes.
Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asks, "Grandpa can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asks, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "it most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
…before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything
My 2.5 year old told his first dad joke.
While traveling to a cookout at my dads house, my wife (W) was working through the alphabet with my son (s) Letter “I”: W: “ I is for….. iguana” S: “iguana…. iguana go outside.” W: looks at me. I look at him. S: (in his best dad style, cheesy laugh) “ha, ha.” He had no idea what he said. But gosh we got a kick out of it.
thought this was kinda cute
Did you hear about the female rapper who only rapped when she was on her period?
They say she had a mean flow.
Spread love not covid-19
A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.
The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?" Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!" The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't have one eye!" He goes to Don next, and does his usual thing. Don replies, "That's a piece of cake! He only has one ear!" To which the policeman says, "Well, that's because the photo I showed you IS HIS PROFILE!" Pissed off at this point, he goes to Rod and asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you find him?" Rod looks at the picture intently, and the says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is confused, and decides to check. Moments later, he emerges with a big smile on . his face and says, "Wow! He really does wear contact lenses! How did you make such an astute observation?" "Easy. He can't wear regular glasses because he has only one eye and one ear."
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
What do you call an overweight psychic?
A four-chin teller.
If Microsoft developed West World
What do you call it when it’s raining turkeys?