My daughter hates soup alphabet, but when I am feeding her, I am saying she loves it.
I guess I am putting words in her mouth.
Whoever invented auto-correct,
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do on his free time?
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Itβs very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
At any given moment, the urge to sing, βThe Lion Sleeps Tonightβ…
…is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Bringing chewing gum to school is like bringing guns to school:
everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.
I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples
You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".
Sleeping is so easy…
… I can do it with my eyes closed.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo…
They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?" The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie." The son replies, "No, mom. I know what the trunk is. What's THAT thing hanging under the elephant?" He points directly to the bull elephant's now engorged member. The mother looks, blushes, and quickly says, "Oh! Um…that's nothing, sweetie." Frustrated, the son tugs on dad's shirt and asks, "Dad, what's that thing hanging underneath the elephant? I know it's not the trunk." The dad looks and calmly says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." The son asks, "When I asked mom, she said it was nothing." The dad smiles and says, "Son, I've SPOILED that woman."
A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.
The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees. βHow can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?β he asks himself. Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesnβt work properly. βHmm, it looks okay,β says the server, and starts the chainsaw. The man jumps back in shock and cries, βWhatβs that noise?β
I didn’t think my dad would steal from his job as a road worker.
But when i got home, all the signs were there.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
Pedro and Juanita
Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar. One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to feel your titties." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out." So Juanita storms up the stairs and wakes Pedro. She says "Pedro, Pedro there is a man in the cantina. He says he wants to kiss me all over my body." Pedro jumps off the bed and grabs his machete. He says "Where is he? I will cut him in half." Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to feel my titties." Pedro says "Where is he, I will cut in half twice." Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all out." Pedro looks disappointed, he puts the machete down and lies down on the bed again. Juanita says "Are you not going to cut him in half." Pedro says "No, any man that can eat that much ice cream is too big for me to fight with."
I finally found out what causes random out of place boners
Subliminal thots
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
My piano teacher is the last person you would expect to show this to her students
https://ift.tt/3cmud6T
My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60…
Now heβs 97 and we have no idea where he is
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today Iβm wearing pants to take her to school.
What rock group has 4 guys who don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar
and ordered a drink. βIts a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,β said the bartender. βJust call me Hoff,β the actor replied. βSure,β the bartender said, βno hassle.β
My girlfriend asked how do I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p wasn't the best answer.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?
Well yes Bob, I do. Great, can you please get laid more often?
I finally got someone to be my valentine!
I wish I could post this in any other sub.
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.