Mom is never wrong
Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job,
Now he’s just a handyman.
Nobody’s heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.
I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.
Seems Relevant Again
They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.
No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.
Gay took our jobs!
Your Duck is Dead !!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, “Death to America!”
I think I might have terror wrists.
I am a mean guy.
It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."
This morning I was beat up by a woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.
Finally The Cure!
Silly Millennial, those are fish, not apps.
It’s absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
Hitler volunteered for the army.
A book fell on my head
I've only got myshelf to blame….
There’s always one
I was at the bar last night when the waitress yelled out, “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled out, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet!” Everybody laughed. Well, except for this one guy.
I’ve just been informed that my six year old son is not mine
and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
Daddy’s Little Puppet
Stay wholesome, Imposter Syndrome gets us all sometimes
My childhood best friend’s mother on Facebook this morning
Me, on tinder..
Because transgendered people just started appearing in 1985
Of course, look where the virus spreads first.
New British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson
held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.
What do you call an emo accapello group?
Big hand booty exam bad
I was going to make a depressing joke.
But my parents already made one.
Why is Ivanka in the White House at all other than to suck daddy’s dick?
Explains a lot..
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. 'Try it now,' said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? The bee answered, ‘BP’
Why did Thor lose his power to use lighting?
His father grounded him
Only applies when Bernie’s winning
Loading in third perspective
Once you’ve seen one shopping center…
You've seen the mall!
A.I. generated meme about quantum mechanics and quantum computers
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer!!
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is….”
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence. A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap…you should see my pants!!” A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
A man’s fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline". The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".
Python is…. special.
The Trump Trifecta
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged and said, "It's better than a fortnight."
I think my microscope has ADHD.
It refuses to focus.
To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today.
I hope you're happy.
Priorities, Mitch, priorities…
Sadder or Funnier?
I thought god was omniscient?
All these shelter in place protests, the signs all say the same thing…oh Karen….
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…
Three dinosaurs find a magic lamp with a genie inside.
The genie says “I can give you all one wish. Anything your heart desires!” The first dinosaur says “I want a big piece of juicy meat!” And he is given the biggest piece of meat for miles. The second dinosaur, in an attempt to one up the first says “I want a meat shower!” And he is showered in delicious meat. The third dinosaur, not to be outdone by the other two says “I want a meatier shower!” Edit: Thanks for the silver!
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory
At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control
Just some veggie facts for you.
I’m secretly a billionaire but I’m raising my kids as lower middle-class to not spoil them.
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
Time to feel stronger
Let’s get a few things straight….
You’re walking along the Oregon Trail and you meet a guy named terry. You laugh at him as say Terry is a girls name. Terry shoots you. You’ve died of dissen terry.
Got called in for a drug test at work…
They said I tested positive for opioids. I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning." They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?" "It was an everything bagel."
Did you know diarrhea Is hereditary?
It runs in our jeans
It do be like that
The circus is coming to town!
I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat
I’ve had a stiff neck all day