Mom just sent me this
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
a pain in the ass
No text found
Just to get high
He’s a small arms dealer
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
They said if I didn’t pay it back on time I’d get repossessed.
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
Y'know, one would have been enough.
The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
So I packed my stuff up and right
So she asks him to go see a doctor. When the men got to the hospital and explained everything the doctor said: "Pull down your pants." "W-why?" "Just do it." "O-ok." "There's the problem. You have a big penis that is pulling down your diaphragm. You will have to do a surgery to take a bit of your penis of if you want to talk normaly." "O-ok t-then." After the surgery he gets home and says: "Hello honey, what is the dinner?" "Wow you can speak normally!" "Yes just had to take of a bit of my penis." "WHAT? GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL AND TELL THEM TO REVERT YHE SURGERY!" At the hospital the man speaks to the doctor: "My wife wants you to revert the surgery." "T-that w-will n-not b-be p-possible."
Too many Cheetahs
I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see
I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, “If you’re ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it.”
One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road. Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized. I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him. "Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked. "Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it." "Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"
I never knew horses even got tattoos.
It’s really been a great cake day
B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –
Me: Well, it’s ……a long story.
Wife: I'm pregnant. Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $299,999.75 though.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
Bamboo is an invasive species in my area that spreads quickly, can take over your yard, and is very hard to get rid of.
That's why they don't call it bamhooray.
Me: Why doc? Is there something wrong? Doctor: Its making me really uncomfortable
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?” “Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
So I had to put my foot down
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
Because they cant even.