Mom sent this in the family group chat
Diarrhea Awareness starts tomorrow.
Runs for 2 days.
The CIA,The FBI and the KGB
The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits don’t exist. The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest to the ground, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. That rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in last. They come out a few hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
How much does a socially awkward penguin weigh?
Not enough to break the ice.
If horses gallop…
Do seahorses scallop?
Dog for sale . . .
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.The owner says "Ten dollars."The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
What did the arm wrestler who won the tournament say to the other wrestlers ?
I had the upper hand
Apparently “I’m sorry” and “My bad” are same thing
unless you're at a funeral [Demetri martin]
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
Why can’t the chameleon change colors?
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
Four men are stranded with nothing but cigarettes on a boat with no way to light them
So they throw one cigarette off board, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter
My dog has a problem with chasing people on bicycles.
It's gotten so bad that I had to take his bike away.
I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren’t the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months……
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed! Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards!
While Trump goes off the rails about Russians helping Sanders lets not forget.
https://ift.tt/2unJRh4
LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.
They don’t fuck around.
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
There are only 3 types of people in the world
The ones that can count, and the ones that can't
I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the water shouting, “Help! Shark! Help!”
I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him…
Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
My parents disapprove of my new job
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile…
Dong. Ding Dong.
James Bond's doorbell
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
