Mom wins.
I'm the Dad. So, we're driving around and we see a "Mobile Paper Shredder" truck.
Me: "I don't have any mobile paper." (good Dad joke, right?)
Her: "It's all stationary."
Someone broke into my house and stole my anti depression pills
I hope they're happy
My obese parrot died..
It was sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders..
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer.
And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.
Doctor: “Have you been drinking enough fluids lately?”
Me: "That's literally all I drink."
My girlfriend is so smart
Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out for the day. I borrowed my friend's phone to call her. She answered "What's up baby?" She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her. Edit: it's my cake day!
Alligators can grow up to 15 feet…
But most only grow four.
7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy
So Happy got out.
I had sex with an almond tree once
It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
I finally watched Doctor Who.
It was about time.
2 guys having a drink in a skyscraper.
Up on the 57th floor at a bar, 1 says to the other: "Did you know, if you jump out of this window that the air pressure gets so great by the 10th floor you'll get sucked straight back into the window at the 9th." The 2nd guy replies: "No way, that's bullshit." First guy says "I'm telling you it's true…" 2nd guy replies: "OK, Prove it. Jump out, if you make it back up here I'll buy you a drink." First guy: "OK, you got a deal." He opens the window and without hesitation, jumps out. The 2nd guy panics and runs over, but it's to late… The first guy is already plummeting down to the ground. He passes the 50th, 40th, 30th, 20th, floors and would you know it… Just as he predicted, he is sucked into the window on the 9th. He catches the elevator back up to the 57th floor, goes to the bar with a big smug smile on his face and says to the 2nd guy: " Double Whiskey, straight on the rocks." The 2nd guy can't believe his eyes… He buys the drink but is convinced that he has been swindled. He says: "That was a set up… Or a fluke… Do it again… And I'll buy you 2 drinks." The first guy laughs, and replies: "OK, No problem. I'm telling you it's physics, no luck or trickery involved here. Just watch." He walks confidently over to the window (wobbling slightly from alcohol) and jumps out. The 2nd guy is looking with intent, sure he will find out what's going on and how the trick works. The first guy plummets towards the ground again, He passes the 50th, 40th, 30th, 20th, floors and would you know it… he is sucked into the window on the 9th yet again. He catches the elevator back to the 57th floor and walks in, smugger than before. Yells over to the bartender: "2 double whiskeys, on the rocks." The bartender shakes his head in dismissal, but poor the drinks. The guy then stumbles over to the 2nd and says. "Now do you believe me… Go on, give it a go, it's exciting… Tell you what, I'll get you 3 drinks if you do it." The 2nd guy is hesitant… But having watched it been done twice with a very watchful eye.. Figures, he can't argue with science and decides to give it a shot. He tentitevely walks over to the window, sits upon the ledge… The first guys is stood by his side and cheers: "Go on! You can do it!" With that, the 2nd guy jumps. Screaming and terrified as he falls towards the ground at terminal velocity… He is hurling towards the street, He passes the 50th, 40th, 30th, 20th, 10th, 9th, 8th, 7th, 6th, 5th, 4th, floor… The man is screaming, petrified for his life. "OH GOD I'M. GOING TO DIE!! HEEEEELP!!!!!!." He zooms past the 3rd… 2nd… Floor… He is headed face first for the curb… Suddenly the first guy appears from nowhere and catches him… The guy, still terrified but now puzzled and in disbelief. Overjoyed that he was saved… " How…. How did you do that!?" The first guy replies (still tipsy and slurring) … "I owe you 3 drinks." They catch the elevator to the 57th floor and walk into the bar.. The first guy says: "I'll have a double whiskey and this guy will have 3." The 2nd guy is traumatised from the experience he just went through… Shaking in the corner of the bar. The bartender, having seen and heard everything says to the first guy: "You know, you can be a real dick when you're drunk Superman."
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
Heโs not looking so good.
If you’re looking for a slutty Halloween costume…
Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.
What do you call an epileptic emperor?
Julius seizure
3 Condoms – NSFW
Guy goes to the pharmacy to buy a condom. His girlfriend told him she would not have sex with him unless he first met her family and has dinner with them. Pharmacist at counter: " just one condom? You sure?" Guy: "actually, my girlfriend's sister is pretty hot…lets make it two condoms." Pharmacist: "just two then? That's it?" Guy: "let's make it three. The mom is really hot too." That night he goes to dinner and her whole family is there. He sits at the table not saying a word, his face red as a tomato. His girlfriend takes him in the bedroom after they eat. Girlfriend: "what's wrong with you? You didn't say a word all night. Did something happen?" Guy: "no, I just didn't know your dad worked at the pharmacy."
A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?
He had the right to bear arms.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him canโt believe what he just saw. Heโs more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, โHow did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and weโre hundreds of feet above the ground!โ The jumper responds by slurring, โWell, I donโt get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.โ He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesnโt slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. โYouโre really an a**hole when youโre drunk, Superman.โ
Why People Still Use “Woke” Like They Do, I Have No Idea
Why People Still Use “Woke” Like They Do, I Have No Idea
Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?
Because if they slept with both legs up they would fall over. My 14yo daughter just dropped this one on us.
I skipped the gym today.
The elevator in my building wasn't working.
My wife didnโt think Iโd give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
A patient bursts into his therapist’s office and shouts, “Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I’m trapped in a deck of cards!”
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
My eโโx aโโnd Iโโ had a safe word
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
Me: Whatโs the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first Me: Okay, Iโll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure, how much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So whatโs the WiFi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase. EDIT: format
Scientists turn back time…
…end up with 'emit'.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses inside him
The doctor described his condition as stable!
I accidentally joined an organization…
I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization. When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
I can cut a log just by looking at it!
It's true! I saw it with my own eyes.
‘Our love withstands our flaws, imperfections & shortcomings’
‘Our love withstands our flaws, imperfections & shortcomings’
Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.
As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out. "Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what kind of man I am." Putin takes a pencil and puts it behind his ear. Then he unzips his pants and underwear, and stands there butt naked in front of the three world leaders. "Now, witness the strength of Russia." He puts his stuff through the bars of the cage, and the wolf starts licking his balls. After a few minutes, the wolf starts to nibble with his teeth.. Putin endures it for several seconds, and then when the wolf finally latches on to his penis, he grabs the pencil from behind his ear and pokes the wolf in the eye with the eraser. As the wolf yelps, Putin pulls his package out from the cage and gets dressed. "And that, gentlemen," Putin says as the gets over the pain, "is the strength and power of Russia. Now, show me what your nations are made of. Supreme Leader?" Kim Jong-Un smiles and laughs and says, "No thank you, Mr. President, My, uh… wife would never forgive me." Putin laughs politely and shrugs his shoulders. He then looks to Trudeau. "Mr. Trudeau? Canada has native wolves, show us the strength of Canada!" The Prime Minister looks abashed. "Eh… no, no thank you, sir." This time Putin can't withhold his grin. He finally turns to Donald Trump. "Surely, the world's greatest superpower has a leader of great power! Show us the power of the United States of America!" "I'll tell you what, Vlad, as I call you, I don't mind doing it, I'll be great at doing it, the very best. Just do me a favor, there's no need to poke me in the eye."
How much time do you have to fix your parachute?
The rest of your life.