Mommy, how are heliums born?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Because they'd be called bagels if they flew over the bay…
Now it’s aware wolf
Then it dawns on me
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
50 Cent ft. Nickelback
And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.
“I don’t know we never measure it”
He died. It was a clean kill.
The opposite of right
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us… “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant.
"I'll have 5 beer please."
It was the alpaca-lips.
I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery. Had them tested and one came back positive. Hope it's not terminal.
…but I prefer it in a bowl.
But first I need to get some shit off my chest.
A ginger bread man. Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.
A 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?!!!! " The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could open the jar."
I was wrong on many levels
It was a little pail…… 😁
Police looking for hardened criminals.
All I did was take a day off!
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mum’s”
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue." Putin asks, "Why blue?" Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."
For my liiifffeee to be oveeeerrrr!
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
I have serious emotional attachment issues.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.