Mommy is gonna kill me
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
Those were the days
Why doesn't it only strike in France?
..That the cops just let it go with a warning.
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
It was a root awakening.
The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Me: That’s ….sound advice.
When it turns in-to a driveway
unfortunately, I mist.
Dad: "I think you mean May I"
Diabetes. What? Did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? I waited an entire year to say this
Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.
It runs in the jeans.
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
A – meano -acid
A no-porridge no-home man.
My shower gets turned on.
That was the most violent book I've ever read.
Me: Technically I can’t.
the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
I can do it with my eyes closed.
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
It had an irrational fear of ping pong balls.
"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.
Clerk responds, "No problem, sir. This room is called 'The Lobby'"
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.