(Monday: Greg) (Tuesday: Ian) (Wednesday: Greg) (Thursday: Ian) (Friday: Greg) (Saturday: Ian) (Sunday: Greg)
Its the Gregorian calendar
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes than I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house
The best joke I can think of is quarantine.
If you don't get it, it's because it's an inside joke.
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
Why are people from Ohio good at finding a spouse?
Because they can go from Dayton to Marion in less than two hours.
Just bought a thesaurus and got home to find out the pages are all blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am…
True fact: Before the crowbar was invented….
….most crows drank at home.
Common sense is like AIDS.
Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
Ah yes, forget the fact that the cost of college increased at least 260% since 1980
https://ift.tt/2PbrZNy
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.
People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.
They haven’t done anything!
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen.”
We’ll, we’ll, we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect.
Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day…
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
I stubbed my toe against a gold bar
Au Au Au
An artist and a scientist see a rainbow…
The artist says "That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" The scientist replies "Unfortunately it has no use" The artist says "Can't you just appreciate it's splendor? It has every color that exists in it" The scientist concedes "Ah, so it does have porpoise"
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .
I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.
I saw a radio the other day on sale for $1. It had a note stuck on it saying, “Volume stuck on full”
I though, “I can’t turn that down”
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
Joke
You could view the cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a big time spoiler….
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
Shout out to my GPS
I don't know where I'd be without it
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed
Trouble is, none of them work.
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
I won $3 Milllion on the lottery
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
Son: Hey Dad can you pass me my sunglasses?
Dad: Sure! But can you pass me my dadglasses first?
During her time in the US, the Queen of England was given a tour of a hospital
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my Goodness!" screamed the Queen. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the Queen. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, she screamed, "Goodness Gracious! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same condition, better health plan."
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
And Jesus said “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
ROMNEY DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF
Sorry, just practicing.
