Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working, goodbye”
What a liar! I opened the fridge and it's working just fine.
Why didn’t the Asian guy get a high five?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging
A man came home from work one afternoon.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I’m the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious desert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” The wife replied, “The fucking funeral director would be my first guess!”
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg’s jokes
I still do, but I used to too
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Add a nipple to it.
How come Michael Jackson sings so high?
He used HeHelium
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Having gay parents must be the worst
Either you get twice the amount of dad-jokes, or you get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother".
My doctor told me I had Type-A blood…
sadly it was a Type-O
I bought a Dog off a Blacksmith the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a Bolt for the Door.
I hate that clown from IT.
Always joking around instead of fixing those damn computers.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
What do you call a rodent with a machine gun?
A ratatatatat
Why does listening to FM radio hurt?
Because Mega Hertz
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Frankly, your service provider.
Are you a chiral carbon?
‘Cause I share a unique bond with you!
A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible…
The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he could go and make his next copy using the original in the vault as reference material. Since they've just been making copies of a copy for centuries and given his dedication to the process and his work so far the abbot agrees and brother Gray descends into the vault where he is given access to the only existing and oldest copy of the bible they have. Days pass, none of the other monks are particularly concerned as brother Gray was known to be a perfectionist and was recognized among them as one of the best in his craft. After another week though they become anxious as nobody had really seen him since his descent into the vault, as such the abbot takes it upon himself to check up on him. As he nears the vault he hears a gutteral sobbing, relentless and distraught. The abbot pushes open the door to the vault to find brother Gray lying face down in a heap on the floor, pages of the bible scattered all around. He rushes to his side. "Brother, whatever is the matter? We've been so worried about you. What's wrong?". Brother Gray pushes himself upright, wipes away the tears from his eyes and grabs the abbot by the collar. "The word was 'Celebrate'"
When I want a sauna I must have the whole thing to myself.
I have selfish steam issues.
The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.
The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.
The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do whatever you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!" "Worry not, my child" the Priest says. "I have two male parrots at the abbey that only pray and read scriptures. Perhaps your parrots should spend some time with them and they might pick up better language." The woman thanks the priest and brings her parrots the next day. On entering the birdcage, the two female parrots immediately go," Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and" you can do whatever you want to me. " One male parrot says to the other," Look Frank! Our prayers have been answered! "
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm.
I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
a communist joke isn‘t funny until every one gets it. ..
No text found
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner
It was just collecting dust
What did Han Solo say to Greedo before they played a game of Horse?
I'll shoot first.
My uncle told me that he sells vaccuum cleaners.
His business sucks but its picking up.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.
Did you hear about the dwarf who was pickpocketed?
How could anyone stoop so low??
The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors
How dense the population is How dense the population is
Why do hippies drink herbal tea?
Because property is theft
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
Why was six afraid of seven
Because seven was a well known six offender