I just saw a documentary on beavers.
Best dam show I've ever seen.
Where do spiders get their drugs?
The deep web
I looked up opaque in the dictionary
But the definition is unclear.
I wish I was taller…
Then I could sleep longer.
I canβt believe Kim Jon Un wants to nuke South Korea
Does he have no Seoul
Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.
Fetus Repeatus.
Aspirin
A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"
Why did the βAβ go into the bathroom and come out an βEβ?
He had a vowel movement.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here in the crowd this week and I have to say I am very disappointed.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who?
This is Sean Connery.
I’ll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.
It's my thirty second birthday after all.
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555,55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
My wife said she wants me to stop listening to Wonderwallβ¦
I SAID MAYBEEEE!!
Has anyone checked on Oklahoma recently?
I want to make sure they're still OK
My wife found out I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
What do you call somebody with no body, And No Nose?
No-body-Nose
I donβt just play soccer cause I like the sport.
Iβm just in it for kicks.
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.
They were real people… I just imagined they were my friends.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with aΒ prepositionΒ because we could end up with a dangling participle.
My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she’s always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me…
but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.
I always knock on the front door of my fridge …
Just in case there is a salad dressing . This was horrible lol
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
A brother asks his sister to marry him…
She replies, "if you incest".