Mood
Where did Noah put the bees?
In the Ark hives.
A child’s laughter is the best thing you can hear.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Im trying to explain my sexuality to my dad.
Me : "Okay, so I would identify as a bisexual." Dad : "And that means you would have a male partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "Or a female partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "So… That means if you don't find a partner, you're on standbi?" ME : ME : ME : ME : "Son of a b…"
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
I finally found out why Nurses Cary red crayons
Incase they have to Draw blood.
I broke my finger today
On the other hand, I’m ok
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person that they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
At any given moment, the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”…
…is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
What did Delaware?
Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.
What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb in a bank?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.
Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
Bro, do you want a pamphlet?
Brochure!
Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.
Looks like I’m in for a wild December.
I wasn’t sure if I should post this here, because it’s only funny under certain circumstances
certain circumstances funny
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.
happened earlier today. not the same person i used to be.
happened earlier today. not the same person i used to be.
I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins…
…because they've been breaking camels' backs for years.
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out… "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn’t last long for fat people.
What two things can you never eat for Breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner (not an original, but I thought it was funny :p)
Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure.”