More awesomeness
Our wedding was so beautiful…
even the cake was in tiers.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot. (I'll show myself out…)
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume is stuck at max level”
I thought, well I just can’t turn that down
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
Why did the plane get sent to his room?
For a bad altitude
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.
Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.
They said i couldnt bring outside snacks into the theater…
But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!
Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs
I keep all the results on a spreadsheet
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't workout.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare
I sat my son down and said, “Look son, in life if you act like a pussy then you’ll never get any pussy”
My wife said, “Matthew, how dare you use that language in front of him?” I said, “Sorry dear, it won’t happen again” My son said, “I see what you mean Dad.”
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
My grandfather’s last words were, “Gallons. Quarts. Litres.”
That spoke volumes.
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
What did the chef say when he got hit with the seasoning?
Hey! That's a salt!
A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”
The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband. The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to flicking channels and stuffing food in his mouth. The wife stands up, obviously angry at her husband. And turn the TV off. “Now you look here! You come home late, don’t even say hello, don’t explain why you were late either! I bet you were with that harlot from work again wasn’t you? You said it was over, how could you do this to me! I cook for you, clean for you, and all you do is treat me like a slave! My mother was right about you! I even…. The man lays back on the couch, his eyes glaze over and he zones out. “Damn” he mutters to himself, “it’s started”.
How quickly did the costume store employees clean up the sombrero spill?
At the drop of a hat!
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
I have a scary joke about math
But I am 2² to say it.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then, one night while watching the News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 10th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans!" "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
Life before the computer:
Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy….. you just hoped nobody found out.
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
What do you get if you cross James Bond with a blind dinosaur?
Spynosawus. … I'll just see myself out
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe. 15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?" The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.
A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark
After some pondering and experiments, I’ve made a conclusion that I can no longer reach my original weight.
8 lbs 9 oz is an unrealistic goal anyways.
What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?
Take off the ring and your house is gone
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's a really small number, you've probably never heard of it.
If Russia were to revert back to the Soviet Union than…
I guess it would be a Soviet reunion
