More from the “Really Gen X Humor” files
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.
He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls. "What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man. "I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply. "Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man to a sumptuous palace, more glorious than anything on earth. St. Peter returned to the line, and asked the next man what he did in life. The man replied, "In life, I was Pope John Paul II." St. Peter said, "Let me show you to your quarters," and led the Pontiff to a tiny shack made of the crudest materials imaginable. When St. Peter returned to the line, the man started shouting. "That isn't fair! That was the Pope, and you put him in a terrible house, while some nobody of a lawyer gets the finest palace imaginable! This just doesn't seem right." St. Peter shrugged his shoulders. "What can I say? We've got hundreds of popes up here. It's the first lawyer we've ever had."
My brother got fired from the mortuary for kissing the dead on the throat.
Turns out he was a neck romancer.
President Trump was told about the new abortion bill.
Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff: “I thought I paid that bill already.”
When a Tesla drifts,
It's called the electric slide
I played “My Heart Will Go On” on a public piano and people yelled at me.
Can't wait till this cruise is over.
I told a poltergeist that I’d give him $10,000 to leave my home forever
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste. Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc.
Why didn’t the angry customer want to hear what the employee had to say?
She wasn't Karen about any opinion but her own.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
But it's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
The policeman despair when telling the lady to go home is both funny and sad.
https://ift.tt/2UpesFh
A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted…
They assured him he would be covered…
A married couple goes to the fair…
The couple is in their 40's and haven't been in about 20 years, since before they got married. The husband sees a sign that reads "Helicopter Rides: $50". He then turns to his wife and says, "Ethel, let's ride the helicopter. I've always wanted to ride a helicopter, I think it'd be romantic. We can see the city in a way we've never seen before." Ethel says, "No, the ride is $50, and $50 is $50." So they leave, and come back about 20 years later, now the couple is in their 60's. Again, the husband sees the helicopter and the sign, still $50. "Come on Ethel, we didn't do it the last time we were here, let's do it now." "No, it's still $50, and $50 is $50." So once again they leave without riding the helicopter. They come back again in another 20 years. They're 80 now, the husband sees the same sign. He begs his wife, "Ethel please, I've waited my whole life to ride that helicopter. We're never going to get another chance, can we please just ride the helicopter?" Again, the wife says "No, $50 is $50." The helicopter pilot was in earshot this time and says to the couple, "I couodn't help but overhear you two. I'll take you on the helicopter ride for free, but if you make a sound, or say anything, you have to pay the $50." The couple agrees. The pilot is trying to pull a fast one on the couple, he wants to get paid. So he's doing all kinds of tricks, all these flips and barrel rolls and all kinds of crazy stuff to get them to scream and speak up. Nothing from the couple. Not a word was said, no screaming, nothing. The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "That was amazing, I didn't hear anything from you two, how'd you do it?" The husband replies, "Well I was gonna say something when Ethel fell out, but $50 is $50."
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener.
A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,
"What's your name son"? He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir". The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"? The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".
My son asked, “Where’s a good place to get my haircut?”
"From the top of your head, usually," I replied.
The other day I drank a new kind of tea that is made by steeping a book in hot water.
Probably won't have it again. It was just a novelty
I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience….
What tea do rich people buy?
Property
I saw a lizard with angry red skin. It then turned orange! Then it turned yellow. Then green. Then blue. Then indigo, until it finally became a relaxing shade of violet.
Calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon.
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
A pretty woman sneezes at a restaurant.
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's gonna take me a while to get hard; I got laid earlier today
I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore
You know you’ve done something wrong when your computer starts REEEEEEEing at you
https://ift.tt/34on0i2
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
I wrote to my North Korean penpal asking how things were in his country
He wrote back "I can't complain"
