More husband/wife jokes
Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?" Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger
Why do people have their whisky neat instead of on the rocks?
Because it's noice.
When people complain about php’s security, i need this picture to explain the scenario
https://ift.tt/2p6ZLtd
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble bee
Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?
Because he didn’t planet well.
I told my son I was named after Stephen Hawking
Son: “But dad, your name is John.” Me: “I know, but I was named AFTER Stephen Hawking.”
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He’s put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.
The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon. "That sure is a nice fire truck you got there." "Thanks," the boy says. The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles. As the red wagon stops in front of him, the fireman observes, The fireman says, "Little pardner, I don't mean to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to hook that rope around the cat's collar, I bet he could pull harder." The kid answered, "I know, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
I'll go on ahead.
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.” On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem. “Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.”
In the past, the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now, the poor have cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
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Bindi Irwin got married!
That's a ray of hope!
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Leather is great for sneaking around
Because its made of hide
How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?
They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
A little boy and his father visited the country store, and upon leaving the store, the owner of the store offered the little boy some free Sweets…
“grab a hand full of Sweets", the merchant said to the boy. The boy just stood there looking up at his father. The owner repeated himself:- “Son get a hand full of Sweets… it’s free.” Again the boy did not move, continuing to look up in the face of his father. Finally the father reached into the candy jar and got a hand full of Sweets and gave it to his son. As they walked back home, the father stopped and asked his son why he did not grab a hand full of the free candy. The boy with a big smile on his face looked into the face of his father and said:- "Because I know that your hand is bigger than mine".
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning.
Last night I played a blank cassette tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
ISO Halloween Jokes
Thank You.
A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. “I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” “Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I’ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man. The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was. “This old Chinese guy will never find out,” the man thought to himself. So that night the man went to the Chinese man’s daughter’s room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said “Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.” The man laughed and though to himself “Is this really the worst Chinese torture?” He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said “Chinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.” The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said “Chinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.”
If someone gave you $1,000,000 to replace their fuse…
would you refuse?
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend,
but it was just my imagine Asian.