More intelligent than that overused format
My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime
It must have been something I said
What does Jesus and a floppy disk have in common?
They both died to become the icon of saving
I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her makeup today.
She looked surprised.
If you boil a funny bone what does it become?
A laughing stock!
I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife “Does that raccoon know how to sew?”
She said, "That's how it seams"
Ole Blue
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money …. he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this — they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
My friend told me a very bad joke about gravity.
I still fell for it.
My daughter asks me all the time “Daddy, can you put my shoes on?”
“No, I don't think they'll fit me.” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says “silly daddy”. She’s 3 🙂
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
You’ll be buried with small pupils if you pass away before dusk.
But not if you die late.
Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?
Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
Dad jokes are the best
Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad Wife: No you're not.
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.
“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.” “Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.” “It is,” I said. “No, it isn’t,” she said. “You know what?” I said as I jumped out of the bed. “You can stick the fcuking chessboard up your ass.”
If you remember the OG Morbius DS, well introducing an even worst spin-off Madame Web on the Wii
If you remember the OG Morbius DS, well introducing an even worst spin-off Madame Web on the Wii
Juggling seems fun
But I just don’t have the balls to do it
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly. “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
In 2020 we’re going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision
I can see it clearly.
I saw an ad in a shop window, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought
“I can't turn that down.”
Hey girl are you HTTP?
Because you're really insecure
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
A date site for witches is known for its members’ relationships moving too fast, and most of them ultimately break up.
Don't mount your Wiccans before they're matched.
I want to share a Russian pun with you all
but if no one likes it and it gets down-voted then so-v-iet
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
Went to a zoo that only had one animal in it, and it was a dog.
It was a pretty Shih Tzu
So you died from eating too much gravy?
You went from the ladle to the grave.
There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
Wife: I have to tell you something.. I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad Wife: No you arent
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
When Unity’s loading screen finally coincides with your feelings about your project.
https://ift.tt/2u4Mi83
My girlfriend said that it wasn’t working out between us and that we should start seeing other people.
So I took her wheelchair. Just as I thought… She couldn’t stand to leave me.
Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
I used to work at a calendar factory
But I got fired for taking a couple of days off.