More sad than funny but still true
Whatdya call someone drowning in mayonnaise ?????????
Sinko de mayo !!!!!!!
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration. The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband replies "he wants my license!" The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going. The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!" As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn't cook worth shit, constantly belittled me, and the sex was just awful." The old lady once again yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he said you two used to date!"
,,,,,
Chameleon
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was’t her type
I'd be her type.
My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.
I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes away. A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike–Mike." "Who is it ?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike–it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams !" "So, what's the bad news ?" "You're in the team for this Saturday's match !!!"
A blonde was getting pretty desperate for money.
She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" she asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay her. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
A bear walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, "I'll have a………………beer." The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."
A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
So a politician dies…
And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. "So, you're a politician…" "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!" "Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears… And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds… Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right? "Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite… And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But… Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside…" Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear… And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep… And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well… I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again. The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???" "Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted…"
I’m deathly afraid of elevators.
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
I’m not an apologetic Canadian…
I'm sorry, I'm just not
Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins…
She's not nosey, just terrible at parking!
When I was in college, I used to drink beer in my underwear.
Now I use a glass.
Where do DJs get their information?
The wiki wiki
How do you call a pesron, that doesn’t read words right?
You. You read ''Person'' wrong.
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm
Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.
Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.
(This particular god carries a large hammer) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man. God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes. Man: What?! Just three? I want at least 10 wishes. God: Are you mad, mortal? Have you forgotten your place? I am offering you three, take it or leave it. Man: Ok, I'll take three but you have to give me your word. You can't backtrack on any of these. God: Do you doubt my power? I can do anything. Of course I won't backtrack. I give you my word. Man: First wish, I wish that the hammer in your hand would turn into a stick. God: (laughing) You really are insane. All the things in the whole world and you wish for this?? Ok whatever, here you go. Hammer turns into stick. Man: Now I wish that you put that stick up your arse. God: (furiously) What?!! How dare you ask for such a thing. Man:You gave me your word. This is my second wish. You have to do it. God: (hesitantly) Ok fine. Puts the stick up his arse. Man: Now dear Sucellus, are you giving me my ten wishes or you want me to turn that stick back into hammer again.
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, “Burger and chips, please.”
“Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?” “Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
After some pondering and experiments, I’ve made a conclusion that I can no longer reach my original weight.
8 lbs 9 oz is an unrealistic goal anyways.
I’m flying to India to try their famous sandwiches.
Everyone keeps raving about their new deli…
Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.
Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf." Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together." The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the husband drives it 300 yards, dead center. The wife tries it and slices it right into a huge window of a huge house on the side of the course. Husband says "ah shit. Ok let's go pay for this window The couple arrives at the front door of the broken window house and rings the doorbell. A very well dressed man answers the door, "Can I help you?" Husband: "Hi we're the ones that broke the window, are you the owner of the house?" Well dressed man: "oh no I am only the butler. Master is in the other room, follow me. The couple follows the butler through the massive entry and into a wondrous library. In the center of which sits the master, staring intently at a vase that was broken, quite clearly by the golf ball. Husband: "oh I am so sorry. My wife, you see, is learning golf. She didn't mean to.." The master interrupts in an understanding tone "haha oh its alright. You see I'm a genie and I was trapped in that vase for the last several hundred years. But you released me by breaking it. As you know genies grant 3 wishes. But since you did break the window I will save the third for myself, leave 1 each for you both. Madame would you like to go first?" Wife: "uh I want lots of money…." "Done." Interrupts the master, " I'll also make it theft proof, fire proof, and infinite. Anytime you need money no matter the amount, it will be in your account." Wife: "oh my goodness thank you so much!" "You're turn", says the the master looking at the husband. Husband: "I'd like a beautiful home in ever country." Master: "and you shall have it. Complete with protection from all the elements and a staff to maintain it and look after you when you stay." Husband: " Jesus! thank you so much!" Master: "not a problem. As for my wish, well I have been trapped in that vase for so long and all the while without a woman. I am sorry but my wish is to have sex with your beautiful wife." Husband to wife: "I don't know honey. I mean he did give us all of those houses and an unlimited amount of money. You know how I feel about cheating but this seems different." Wife: "yeah I agree. I'm not thrilled about it but I get where he is coming from. Okay I'll do it" The Master is thrilled and wisks the wife upstairs where they have loud, wall banging sex for hours on end. Finally after all that time the master comes down in only his underwear and his unbuttoned dress shirt. He grabs a cup of water and drinks the whole thing. The master then asks the nearby husband, " if you don't mind me asking how old are you and your wife?" Husband: " well I'm 32 and she is 34, why do you ask?" Master: "just curious as to how you guys still believe in genies…..
If Dodge made an electric car…
Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable
Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”
How do you grab the attention of a pervert?
An NSFW tag
..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The Englishman wants to go so they all have to leave.
[NSFW] So my friend pays someone every month…
[…] to pee on him whenever he wants. It's his monthly streaming service.