I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.
When he found out he was madder than hell.
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
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Now he's just Dave
but that’s a wisk I’m willing to take.
Because they can’t have mussels.
Finally, something he's earned
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.
A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday
Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This shit won't even start".
I think it's a bold-faced lie.
They are for-prophet organizations, after all.
An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
I asked, "Who is this guy?" My grandfather said, "He's my hip replacement."
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
A can't opener
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile…
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
Wife:why is it that you don't like anyone from my side of family? Husband: No way, I love your Mother-in-law more than my Mother-in-law.
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
But, I just didn't have the patients…
Nah on second thoughts you won't get it. It's an inside joke.
Not enough people really talk about England very much
It was called Diffi cult.
Because his whole life he's Ben Solo
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.