Most are shocked when they find out I am not a very good electrician.
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3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him. First one said "You ever had a hug?" He said "No" so she hugged him & walked on. The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?" He said "No" so she kissed him & walked on. Third said "You ever been fucked?" He said "No" as his eyes lit up… she said "You will be when the tide comes in."
With cutting edge technology.
That was when I put my foot down!
To talk about hispanic attacks.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I’m the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious desert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” The wife replied, “The fucking funeral director would be my first guess!”
Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life – God
It was a coughee cake.
Because burning it will get you stoned.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end."
She didn't see that well.
It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick
The hip replacement guy!
”Will, You, Mary, Me” is a foursome proposal.
But don’t forget, only 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day.
Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead. Man: That's impossible, someone else must have shot it. Doctor: I'm glad you understood the story.
He conditioned it.
They like to beat the crowd
That’s just how I roll.
Yeah, there is a small medium at large.
I’m galactose intolerant
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing…"Psst…come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit…that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
She has the worst stutter ever.
Husband: Alright, I'll tell you the truth… But, you have to promise not to get angry no matter what I say Wife: I promise Husband: I'm fucking your sister
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
I said i paid for it, it IS my cheese.