Most cults are very similar
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
High definition.
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
58. Edit: I genuinely didn’t know this was a repost my dad told it to me and I thought it was worthy.
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”
Today is 4 04…
There's a joke somewhere in there, but I can't quite find it.
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because half way through, they get to switch sides.
Guy walks into a bar
Lucky bastard
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
I went for my interview to be a bus driver.
I said, "Sorry I'm late." They said, "You're hired"
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc. “There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; “What’s for dinner honey?” No answer. He moves closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still no answer. He moves even closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. “What’s for dinner honey?” “FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
-Dad, can I wash the car with you?
-I don't know son, why can't you just use a sponge?
TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can’t feel it anymore
and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.
I went to a zoo today which only had a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
Why couldn’t Hitler eat oranges?
Because he hated the juice.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of the door? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a volcano? Anakin Skywalker
apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
it’s not stroganoff.
So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package…
…But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.
A black boy walks into the kitchen…
…where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”
I heard the bakers parents were also bakers.
You could say he was bread for the job.
What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red.
Coding in binary takes a lot of effort.
You have to do it bit by bit.
My drug test came back negative
My dealer sure has some explaining to do..
If you drop a plate of roasted pork…
…are you still considered ham-fisted?
I ordered a latte at Starbucks.
The bloke made me a full cup and designed the foam to look like the Apple logo. "That's really creative," I said, "I appreciate it." "Thank you sir," he smiled, "That would be £199."
I’m just going to get some cigarettes
I’ll be right back
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator!
What does the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.