Most DEFINITELY worth the read 😂
3d printers can print guns now
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex
My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.
Do you know I tell dad jokes?
He even laughs sometimes.
I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”
We get it man she’s underage
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
Why did the English teacher break up with the physics teacher?
There was no chemistry
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
It’s understandable. He’s not used to not getting his own way all of the time.
https://ift.tt/3c8cfUm
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
In Cuba, a steak pie will cost you 1.50. But a pork pie will cost 1.80, whereas a macaroni pie will cost 2.30 and a chicken pie will cost 2.75.
These are pie-rates of the Caribbean.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it.
It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes
My parents used to give me this gum as a kid, and I bought a new pack for nostalgia
https://ift.tt/3afdd0S
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
![Shuri has an amazing sense of humor [Movie Details]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/c7hna7okboz11-400x521.jpg)
A man’s fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
https://ift.tt/2thvPN8
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter explained, “You died in your sleep, Bob.” Bob was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken." Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past, "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad." replied Bob the hen. "But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating." explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?!" "Never!" said Bob. "Well, just relax and let it happen." says the rooster. "It's no big deal." Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, "BOB!! Wake up!! You've shit the bed!"
I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
I couldn’t differentiate between them.
Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?
Old hobbits die hard.
My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.
She has selfie steam issues.
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a good time.
My wife says she is leaving me because I make geology puns all the time.
That's pretty sad considering that I loved her to the core.
My friend is getting rich by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
I once dated a girl that collected magazines.
But she had too many issues.