Most of us irl
A Viking named Rudolph the Red looks outside, then tells his wife “It’s going to rain”…
Wife asks "Why do you think that?" He replies "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear…" (Not mine, my dad found it somewhere and was very proud of making the family groan…)
I am surprised I didn’t get any upvotes on the joke about a spine that I posted recently.
It was about a week back.
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks “Is having a penis nice?”
The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s very heavy and the other is a little lighter.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
He said he couldn't complain.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?
For Hispanic attacks
“As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation”
Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?" Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex,
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?
They work it out with a pencil.
The idea of 6 naked ladies sounds great
Dozen tit
My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.
A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him. -"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked. -"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!" -"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?" -"Well, wherever I went people started clapping!"
My dad threw a cheese shredder at me and he missed
I ran away and he yelled at me: “get back here you ungrateful child”
A short Irish guy tricked me into giving him money for his skin disease.
I should’ve known it was a Leper-con.
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off Just a joke lol please don't kill me with the downvotes
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why must it be a group activity?
My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday…
They have deep sedimental value to me.
Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman but he was too scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship.
One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around, appearing as if she was having a sexual dream. Superman thought… “She’s probably dreaming about me, and you know what, I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly in, fuck her and fly out, and she wouldn’t know what happened!” So he did exactly that. He flew in quickly, did her and flew away. “What the hell was that?”, Wonder Woman asked. “I don’t know, but my asshole is killing me!”, Invisible Man answered.
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a superhero, the other is a command.
Why do they spell it “honour” and “favour” in the United Kingdom?
Because Rick Astley is British.
I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon
I saw a group of isis soldiers crying today
It's a crisis
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey." So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael. Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone. "Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man? "Well," replies Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress." Sister Patrick stares in shock. "Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers." Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?" "Because," explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!" Thanks to my English teacher for telling my class this when we were 13.
What time of the year do most squirrels die?
No nut November
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane
We're currently filming the pilot.