Mother of the year 😂🤣😭
The teacher asks her “why are you late?” Girl replies, “I was outside blowing bubbles and lost track of time.” Another girl comes in late, the teacher asks her: “and why are you late?” Girl replies, “I was out blowing bubbles.” Once again, another girl comes into class late and the teacher looks over angrily, “and why is that you’re late?!” Girl replies, “I was just blowing bubbles, sorry.” The teacher feeling bad for her outburst says “it’s ok, I just want everyone here before the new kid joins our class. Ahh, here he is now,” the teacher motions to the door. A young, nervous boy walks into the class. The teacher asks “now why don’t you introduce yourself to the class.” The boy shyly says “Hi, my name is Bubbles.”
“Back in 02” I said, Sounds much better than February.
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here in the crowd this week and I have to say I am very disappointed.
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
But they just never work out
There was a lot of Cross referencing.
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
"I said Trump/Pence."
No shit Sherlock
It’s all word of mouth…
They're always up to something.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it. "That's easy. These are khakis."
Me: Shit! One escaped?
I hope nobody takes a fence.
Corona did what Trump promised
How does these four concepts (thermodynamics, thermal radiation, evaporation, and radiation cooling) works together?
But when I do, he usually laughs
I would probably only drive it from time to time.
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
It was just holding me back.
You call them antisemantic!
"Honesty" "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think."
To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Doooooooo