Mountains aren’t just funny…
They're… hill areas.
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.
The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose." The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"
I don’t understand Joaquin Phoenix
If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?
Why did I get a tattoo of a calculator?
So you can always count on me.
My grandfather’s last words were “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
There are two types of people. People who need closure
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“A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film”
"Gladiator?" "No, I really miss her"
Q. Why do elephants paint their toes? (some more elephant jokes)
A. So they can hide in fruit trees? Q. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a fruit tree? A. Of course not, they're too good at it. Q. How do elephants get in to fruit trees? A. They parachute in. Q. How do you tell if an elephant is hiding in a fruit tree? A. Tickle the fruit and see if it laughs. Q. Why should you never walk through the forest on Thursdays between 2 and 4 PM? A. That's when the elephants are practicing their parachuting. Q. Why does the orangutan have a flat face? A. He ate some fruit without tickling it first. Q. Why does the beaver have a flat tail? A. Because he walked through the forest on Thursday between 2 and 4 PM. u/kickypie's hippo joke reminded me of these (https://www.reddit.com/r/cleanjokes/comments/djwf9o/why_cant_you_see_hippopotamus_hiding_in_trees/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Why did the Mexican take some Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Radish means slightly Awesome in 90’s vernacular
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I said to my wife “When I die,” I’d like to die having sex”
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
Why couldn’t Hitler eat oranges?
Because he hated the juice.
If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?
Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
When I was in college, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.
Apparently you needed to be a complete dick.
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.
what do you call a canoe that’s 50% off?
A sale boat.
Why did the pencil get flushed down the toilet?
It was a #2!
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs ?
Because he was lacktoes intolerant
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.” The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood. “You see the village over there?” Said the second vampire brother, “I sucked everybody’s blood dry!” The third vampire said “That’s nothing!” And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later, his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood. “Woah, what happened?” Said the first brother. “Well, you see that tree over there?” Said the third vampire. “Yeah?” Replied the other brothers, “I didn’t.”
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said “Oh look. They have tongue depressers.” He says “Those won’t work on me.” I asked why and he says…
"I'm on antidepressants." He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Axe Body Spray responded to Netflix’s tweet “what’s something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account?” And responded with “Now 33% bigger.”
What they should have said is "we will make you gag".
Kung Fu student asks his teacher: “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
The first time I ever used an elevator was a real uplifting experience.
The second time was a big let down!!!
I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.
It's ok though, it still saved me money.
