Mr Ed just moved next door to me a few days ago.
We’re neighbors now.
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me…
I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.
However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri
My to doo list
Humans can atmost grow upto 8 feet
But usually most of them have 2
A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.
He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play. One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus. The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play. There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player. The man paid his handler $50 and sat down. Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus. The octopus took it and stared for a bit. After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo. This man paid his $50 and sat down. The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes. The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.” The man agreed and handed them to the octopus. The octopus sat there eying the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile. The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, “Hurry up and start playing the thing” The octopus replied, “Play it? After I figure out how to get the pajamas off her I’m gonna screw it”
What did Delaware?
A new Jersey!
TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can’t feel it anymore
and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.
Right before I die, i’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.
My cremation is going to be epic.
Why did Sally fall off the swing
She didn’t have any arms; Knock Knock; Who’s there ; Not Sally
Guys, to be frank
I would have to change my name.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because
Communication is key
What do I hate most about my Rubik’s Cube?
Well, I don't know where to begin.
Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?
Edit：Wow thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because today they got into a fight, and 2021! Happy new year y’all!
What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?
Screw is what my dad did before I was born. Bolt is what he did after I was born.
When two people have sex it’s called a two-some, when three people have sex it’s a threesome
Guess that's why my dad calls me handsome.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwww.
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting
I said people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer
why does my code always look so shitty compared to code written by big companies :c
https://ift.tt/3868Lkj
Everyone thinks I’m weird because I’m addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But that’s just Hawaii roll.
A man dies and goes to hell.
There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one. First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours." Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He notices a long queue behind Chinese hell. He thought it would be easier and asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Chinese devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He asks why there are so many people behind it. The devil says, "Well, the bed of nails is made in China and will break within 1 hour." "And the devil?" The devil replies,"He has been coughing lately."
What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?
Ehh-gg salad.
Two Irish men walk out of a bar
Yes, it happens
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don't want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade.
I was just attacked by a man with a rack of spices!
It was a salt and peppery.
My friend once told me centrifugal force doesn’t exist.
He was clearly out of the loop.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
Because he couldn’t see himself doing it
Why wasn’t Cinderella allowed to play soccer?
Because she kept running away from the ball
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs!
I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
