Mr. President
A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.
“Who was that?” asks his wife. “Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”
Why did the tomato lose the race?
Because she couldn't ketchup
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
Me: This is my horse, Mayo!
Acquaintance: Why the hell is he called Mayo? He’s not even white! Mayo: [neighs]
I was in the supermarket when a guy threw a block of cheese at me.
I looked over at him and shouted, “Well that’s not very mature is it??”
I broke up with my college girlfriend because she was obsessed with finding the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
I went as a Dad Joke for Halloween.
Iron Man. https://imgur.com/a/3eNDlNZ
My sister bet me $15 that i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta.
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're vegan.
Jack and the blonde
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
I hate those annoying Russian Dolls…
They're so full of themselves…
What do you call a midget having an orgasm?
A shortcoming
Axe Body Spray responded to Netflix’s tweet “what’s something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account?” And responded with “Now 33% bigger.”
What they should have said is "we will make you gag".
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
A fortune teller told me I’d suffer awful heart break in 12 years.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
People say that dad jokes aren’t very clever.
But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
One friend of mine is LITERALLY a legend…
He always helps me with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean.
I’m voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But I’m still not sure which one to pick.
I keep hearing music coming from the printer.
I think the paper is jamming.
What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
My wife was furious at me for kicking ice-cubes all over the kitchen…
But now it’s just water under the fridge…
What kind of flour do you buy an orphan
Self raising flour
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because of their antybodies
A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son…” "Why are we living in London and still wearing all this shit?