Mr.World wide web
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
So much so that it can rub some people the wrong way. He invited my wife and I out for a vacation to his lake house. At one point he had us walk down to the lake so we could see his latest purchase. As he gloated about his new watercraft, my wife whispered to me, “He’s getting on my nerves.” I replied, “Don’t mind him; he’s just show boating.”
so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people
But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.
My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now…
…and that's where I sleep.
That way you're a mile away, and you have his shoes.
The thief made a clean getaway
You get laid only once
I just never had the balls to do it
The American teenage girl gets stoned before sex.
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.
HE: There's a spider in your bra.
His dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
Because you're a fucking joke.
Reddit fills your mind with thoughts. Instagram fills your mind with thots.
The Zookeeper said he was bread in captivity.
How do I bury it
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
We never made it.
It’s a dream job
But most of then just have 4.
It was bread in captivity.
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the Thyme is Cumin.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
So I told him, “C4 yourself”
But when I do, he laughs
I told my wife, “I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn’t feel as good anymore”
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"