MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
Why do riot police like to go to work early?
To beat the crowd
My parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”
I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
What kind of bird is always in pain?
The oooowwwwwwwwwwl
What do you call a nose with no body?
Nobody knows
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Fill it with spring water.
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Contract lenses.
Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking
Where the fuck is my roof?
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
three times…
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…” “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…” “Well, all right, three times…” “Three, hmmm. When were they?” “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…” “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?” “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…” “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?” “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 97 votes short…”
Batman
Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression." "Go on then" the second one says. "OK, here we go…" the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!" The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN" "Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time …
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
I met a strange man the other day really trying to sell me the health benefits of inhaling helium.
He spoke very highly off it.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop anytime.
If Harry decided to take up painting now he’s stepped back from the royal family…
…he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."