Much humour. Very laugh.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He ate his food before it was cool.
This guy is sitting in a bar when this beautiful super model walks in.
So after a few minutes, the guy walks over to her. He leans in and whispers in her ear " Hey can I smell your pussy?" The girl is irate, and she screams at him "What is wrong with you?! That's disgusting! How could you say that?!! NO! You cannot smell my pussy!!!" and the guy says " oh, well I guess it's your feet."
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though
How did early people discover wool?
By shear coincidence
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
Did you hear about the Utah National Guard’s new IMI-made .44 Magnum?
It's called the Deseret Eagle.
People tell me that my phone is more powerful than the computer that put astronauts on the moon.
Yet when I use my phone to navigate it will tell me to turn when there is no turn. But I guess it makes sense since there aren’t a lot of turns between Earth and the Moon.
To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today.
I hope you're happy.
apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
it’s not stroganoff.
Kids don’t know how good they have it
When I hear all the people complaining about the Nanochip that is implanted with the Covid vaccine I think about when I was young and had to swallow a whole floppy disc for the Polio vaccine
I don’t think it’s going well for the calendar
Its days are numbered.
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love
so we started using lubricant
Me: This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
I don’t trust the sea
it looks fishy
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
My friend, Eric, started using a phrase that I invented for referring to an Indian perennial herb.
I said, "That's my term, Eric."
Be careful today when searching “Giant Black Hole Pics”
All I keep getting are scientific articles.
My 3 year old’s first joke
What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes
My friend’s financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.
That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.
Three friends bragged about who has more sex….
Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women" Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women." Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What is it called when a cannonball eats another cannonball?
Cannonball-ism
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?
"Thanks for the warning, officer."
Dad
https://ift.tt/2DsYG33
Why did the anti-vaxxer’s 4 year old son buy a corvette?
He was having a midlife crisis.