Much more sad than funny, if he could only go a few days with out alienating the base.
After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, “What an Ass.”
Why is “yacht” spelled that way instead of like “yot?”
Because why nacht.
Rare photo of Melania Trump genuinely smiling. Taken at the roast of Donald Trump.
https://ift.tt/2XXbsk2
The doctor says to me, “I’ve got bad news and worse news”
Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday
Genie: You have only one more wish left.
Me: I wish I was a star. Gen⭐e: We⭐rd but okay.
Me: I’ve conquered my fear of ghosts!
Therapist: That's the spirit! Me: Oh fuck where
If I won $300,000, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $299,999.75 though.
After I broke my arm, my buddy wrote down all of my homework assignments on my elbow cast.
It really classed up the joint.
There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics…
It's the best thing since sliced beard…
I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name? Me: “Username-valid ” Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don’t know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well username-valid, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”
What do you call a werewolf youtuber?
A lycansubscribe!
I want to share a Russian pun with you all
but if no one likes it and it gets down-voted then so-v-iet
What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
You can’t change the weather in the tree
But you can climate
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.” “If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?” “We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?” “Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?” “Oh, no,” the husband replies. "She's left-handed!" Edit: punchline is not is bold anymore
Why doesn’t electricity like History class?
Because it’s only interested in current events.
Met an older lady at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for a 55, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo. I said,"No. But it's my secret fantasy." We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom! you still awake?"
Why couldn’t the computer take its Hat off?
Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.
What’s an angry window made of?
Tempered glass
The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven
St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me …" The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …" St. Peter: "The Catholic church … Never heard of it … Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth." God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room Jeffery Epstien didn't kill himself laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
(Long joke, continues in body) Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.
His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below. Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist… yet no one before Sam had ever reached one. And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note… And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings. And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter… until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal… until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful… it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there. Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam. The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief. The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated. The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT TO SAY “LADDER.”
My obese parrot died yesterday.
I should be upset but it’s a huge weight off my shoulder.
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare.
But he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
Some crocodiles decided to get together and sing parody songs.
It's a pun-croc band.
What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth?
The front row at a Trump rally.
Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?
Man: Good news first please, doc! Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you
A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bustling bar and gets up to leave. . .
A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm gonna sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse ain't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!" True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink, sits in the [now silent] bar and finishes his drink. He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it. As he's just about to ride off, one of the other patrons timidly asks, "Mister? What was it you done in Texas?" The cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says sadly, "I had to walk."
Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye
It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.. Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door… This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
Here’s one my 5-year old made up: What does a cat wear at night?
PURRR-jamas! She'll be a pro dad joke designer in no time. #prouddad
My wife is mad at the fact that I don’t have a sense of direction…
So I packed my stuff and right.
A man approaches his best friend’s wife one day
when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks. "No. My husband wouldn't approve." "O.K. What if I give you $1000?" "Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work." So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught: "Was my best friend here today?" "Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern. "And did he leave $1000?" "Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst. "Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.