Much needed caption like
What’s the opposite of soup?
Sodown
The man next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like he's never seen a penis before.
What’s the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
I’ve never gone to a gun range before.
I decided to give it a shot.
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
What does America have that Canada doesn’t?
Nice neighbors.
I just realized my countertop is made of marble..
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
I got my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas…
It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…
Now don't tell me that's just a coincidence.
A man gets pulled over by the police…
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
An Xbox One and a PS4 get attacked… Here comes the ambulance!!!
WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU!
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
Why are the horse stalls at a racetrack labelled A, B, D, E, and F?
Because no one would bet on a seahorse.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.
That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.
I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man
At least that's what I told him when he saw it.
Before I became a dad, I was truly concerned that I wouldn’t know how to be a good father
Thankfully, turns out it's in my blood. I come from a long line of Fathers.
Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine?
He said “i cant believe its not Buddha”
I lost my notes I was writing for my book called “1,001 ways to cure an itch.”
Guess I'll have to start from scratch.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh!
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?
All the walls are load-bearing.
A man is lost in a hot air balloon
He sees a field below and descends to shout: "Hey can you tell me where I am? I'm trying to get to a friend whom I said I would meet in 30 minutes." The man in the field says: "Yes, you are in a red hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above the ground, in the middle of this field" "Ah, you must be an engineer", replies the balloonist "I am indeed, but how did you know?", asks the man. "Well", says the balloonist, "everything you've said is technically right, but is of no use to anyone" To this, the man replies: "Any you must work in management" The balloonist confirms this, but asks how the man knew. "Well", replies the man, "You don't know where you are, how to get where you're heading, made a promise you can't keep. You expect me to be able to help, but after all this time, we're in the exact same position we were before, but now it's my fault"
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
I gave all my dead batteries away today…
Free of charge
My parents say this sub will turn me into my father.
My bio says otherwise
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Did you hear about the time I dreamt I was a muffler?
I woke up exhausted.
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, “Thanks for the Baghdad”
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
Some scientists were able to recreate human vocal cords in a petri dish…
The results pretty much speak for themselves…
What do houses wear?
Address
I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can write other words too.
