Much needed caption like
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
https://ift.tt/2WLlJPk
My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho….
How in the world did I miss all the red flags?
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint
I made a club about erectile dysfunction.
It was a flop, nobody came.
Two good friends go golfing
Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale. "Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!" The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"
Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.
Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt…
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it. 2.) They LOVE chocolate.
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
Back when writing in pointlessly complicated ways was a form of social esteem
https://ift.tt/3aCum58
I met a group of highly trained Fly Killers the other day
First time I've ever seen a SWAT team.
What do you get when you mix human DNA with whale DNA?
Kicked out of Sea World
Never date a baker!
They're way too kneady…
Never start a pillow fight with Death…
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
What do you call a youtuber who’s also a werewolf?
Lycansubscribe
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
My wife just found out she’s adopted.
She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.
I once knew a dyslexic, agnostic, paranoid insomniac.
He'd lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
Two plus sized woman walk into a bar
At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!" Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!" The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"
If you think climate change is bad now wait until our aerosol hairspray usage goes up 5000%
https://ift.tt/2Qaa2Qp
I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off
I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
Where have you been for the last 20 years?
A woman in labor suddenly shouted: Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didnt! Can’t!
"Dont worry" said the docter,"Those are just contractions"
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
I’m bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies…
But I keep punching up the fuck line.
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It was the end of my Korea. I'm still China find another job.
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, ‘what would Jesus do?’
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
Accidental Dad Joke
Story time: So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house. Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?" Me: "Yes mom." Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice" Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice…" Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."
I heard the bakers parents were also bakers.
You could say he was bread for the job.
A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors…
And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but….
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Cell Realignment machine allow the sick to live normal life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL73BOpg7G4
My friend’s girlfriend dumped him and is telling everyone he has a small penis.
He claims he wasn’t that much into her anyways.
“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”
“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
