Much very good.
A lady comes home from her doctor’s
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
[NSFW] What do you call a group of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin'off
Boobs are like the sun
You can only stare at them for a few seconds . But if you put sunglasses on, you can stare at them all you want.
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
If you got bladder problems…
urine trouble.
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding!
My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
Why did the console gamer cross the road?
To render the buildings on the other side.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.
Is it a hymn or a her?
My friends asked me why I’ve mysteriously been hanging grapes outside to dry.
I told them, “I have my raisins.”
An Inventor in the 1800s created a device that instantly eliminated all bells in the world.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements. edit:OC
I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.
Well, at least I think they're vegans. They keep shouting : "Lettuce Leaf!"
I bought a handgun from a T-Rex..
…because he is a small arms dealer!
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
What do you call the bad part of Italy?
The spaghetto.
What did the Nazi dentist say on reddit?
Thanks for the gold kind stranger! Edit:Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
Me at the bookstore: Do you have any books on turtles?
Cashier: Hard back? Me: yea, with little heads.
I’ve just got back from Schizophrenics Anonymous.
I can't wait to tell myself all about it.
I really hope this whole COVID-19 thing gets cleared up before tick season
Because then we’d have corona with Lyme
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
A pirate walks into bar and sits…
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today…
I bought it at a Yard sale.
Innovative Solutions
In order to streamline my work from home process, I’ve hired my cat as a part-time advisor.User: My laptop won’t connect to the VPN.Me: Consults my advisorMe: Have you tried pushing it off of the table and onto the floor?
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean
2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.
And now we have a virus.
“Dad, can you do my math homework for me?” “No son, it wouldn’t be right.”
"Well, at least you could try."
I hate people who take drugs
For example, border security.
I thought my Haitian friend was finally going to show me zombies…
but it was actually just 'some bees'
Why does the Keyboard work 24 hours…
Because, it has two shifts.
What’s the best cheese to bait bear traps with
Cammom-bear! (sorry if ya heard this one already)
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"