::Muffled screaming::
Dong. Ding Dong.
James Bond's doorbell
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.
After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
How is the best way to greet Native Americans
No text found
Three girls die and go to heaven…
They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Some crocodiles decided to get together and sing parody songs.
It's a pun-croc band.
![[REDACTED] is a common killer of scp memes](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/wgqrlb1y9yp41-400x476.jpg)
Did you hear William Shatner was starting his own underwear line?
But “Shatner Panties” was not a good business.
A lonely lady decided she wanted to find a good husband to spend the rest of her life with so she placed an advert in the paper. It read:
“Looking for a husband, must not beat me, must not chase me around when I’m with my friends, must be good in bed” The next day a gentleman called in reply to the advert and said he would be perfect for her. She thought he sounded nice and polite, so she invited him around for dinner. That evening her date had arrived but was shocked when she opened the door to find a gentleman in a wheelchair with no arms or legs. She said to him “I don’t understand you said you would be perfect for me”. He replied “well I have no arms, so I can’t beat you and I have no legs so I can’t chase you around town. She stuttered and said “yes but I also wanted somebody who’s good in bed” … he winked and said “I rang the doorbell didn’t I”.
Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”
Like bro you were there wtf
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
My girlfriend gave me a handjob using Vaseline the other day.
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
We’ve all heard of Murphy’s Law, but have you heard of Cole’s Law?
Well, it’s finely chopped bits of cabbage and carrots
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.
When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..
Did you know that TON spelled backwards is NUT
No it’s not
Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane
We're currently filming the pilot.
If I had a Nickle For every Time I was Clueless, I’d be Like
How the f*** did I get all these nickles?
A man walks into a brothel…
Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food. He walks up to the desk and slams £1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks at the cash on the counter then back to the man "Sir, with that sort of money you could have the most delicious steak cooked to perfection along with the most stunning girl you've ever seen. And she'll please you in ways you can't imagine letting you do what ever you wish to her " The man looks the madame strait in the eye and says "sweetheart, I'm not horny I'm homesick"
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They are really good at it.
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident.
When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says, "If any of you did the wrong things with altar boys, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well go straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
I heard this one from my raughty mother. I dont know if it is original :)
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’ Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’ The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’ Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’ That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’ Little Johnny said: I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’ The teacher fainted…
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life.
Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it?
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
What do you call someone afraid of Santa?
Clausterphobic