::muffled screaming::
Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender asks him what’s with the steering wheel? He replies…
"Arghhh, I don't know but it's been drivin' me nuts all day"
(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn’t turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight…
…Since she can't look sideways anyways…
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Why are there no cats on mars?
Curiosity killed them all.
I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.
I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?" "Sure, but how can that help?" "Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."
What’s Batman’s favourite fruit?
Ba-na-na-na-na-na
A dad was washing his car with his son.
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.
A Jewish man sent his son to Jerusalem for vacation.
Upon his son's return, the father finds out that his son has turned Christian! So, the father goes to his friend for emotional support. He says “Ethan, I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian”! “That’s odd…” His friend said, “I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian too”! They both decide to go to their Synagogue and talk to the Rabbi. “Rabbi, Ethan and I sent our sons over to Jerusalem, and they came back Christian”! “That’s odd…” the Rabbi said “I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian too”! Utterly dumbfounded, all three of the men decide to fly over to Jerusalem to see if they can get any answers. The three men arrive in Jerusalem and looked around for the better part of a day and found no clues. So, they go to the West wall and kneel down. The Rabbi prays, “Oh, God! Give us wisdom. We sent our sons to Jerusalem, and each one came back Christian”! As they were kneeling, God said, ”That’s odd…” Edit: a word
How do you make holy water?
Boil the heck out of it.
i don’t know why everyone thought 73-year-old Bernie Sanders was too old to run for president four years ago…
…after all, he was in his prime.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
What do houses wear?
Address
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine…
The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.
My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.
But I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me
John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter –
– with millions of clocks around the room. Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?" Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies." So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twice?" Saint Peter said, "that is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice for he has only lied twice in his life." John goes to another, he asked, "Why hasn't this one moved?" Saint Peter says, "That is Saint Teresa's, for she has never lied." Curious now, John asked, "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" Amused, Saint Peter says, "Oh, Jesus is using it as a ceiling fan in his office."
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19
Virus has been quarantined for 14 days
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
Self isolation is getting so bad I’m starting to crush on my roommate.
And we’ve been married more than 27 years!
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
When you hire entry-level developers to build a production app because you’re that cheap!
https://ift.tt/2TIj5tG
What rock group has 4 members that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
A man came up to me and said “Man, your clothes look gay”.
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. "If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says," I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth". The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound". The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door". The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door". The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.