A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?
She wanted the Task Manager.
,,,,,
Chameleon
What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colours?
A reptile dysfunction!
Thought those of us with loved ones in the US military might appreciate this.
https://ift.tt/2tr79Sq
When life gives you melons
You may be dyslexic
I like my women like I like my coffee.
From a third world country and at a reasonable price.
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship to try and repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
My wife claims she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m worried she won’t be able to pull it off.
What do you do when you are feeling rough?
Go to the dogtor!
I got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there soon.
An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: “I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once – the shield cracks; twice – the shield falls apart; thrice – the American is no more. Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once – nothing; twice – the Indian shivers a bit; thrice – the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go. The Indian asks "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time". The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?" The Russian: "The Indian, of course".
Did you hear about the the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll a joint.
He's now high on the list of people I don't want to see again.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
She couldn’t stay away from her granddaughter anymore. This was her solution.
https://ift.tt/2XXVpnO
Dust
[Removed]
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
What do call a masturbating cow?
Beef stroganoff!
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
If con is opposite of pro..
then is Congress the opposite of progress?