Mum’s clothes line rules
What’s it called when a hooker farts?
A prosti-toot
Whoever invented the knock-knock joke
should get a no bell prize.
How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing. It is on the house.
When you say the word “poop”
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in our jeans.
Did you know that French Fries don’t originate from France?
They were originally made in Greece
Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.
They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was… At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island… He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier… it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this… One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed… "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing…" the guy would say… She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him… "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "yes" she said "anything!" "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "ok…" "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "wha… ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly. "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache" "ok… if this is what you want…" she muttered. "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited… She started walking… wondering… doubting herself… just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h… suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
Man walks into a barber shop: “Can you shape my afro like a sphere?”
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
My wife left me because I’m insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
[NSFW] I went to the library and asked the librarian if they had the new book about small penises.
She said “I don’t think it’s in yet.” I replied “Yeah, that’s the one.”
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…" "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
I’ve gone bald, but kept my comb…
I just can’t part with it
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am..
Luckily I was already up, playing drums.
My son joined a group of people that are sexually attracted to young horses.
I'm worried he may be in a colt
What a stark contrast between a functional Government and the Trump administration
https://ift.tt/3bfP76d
A guy’s credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.
Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now? Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife. Cop: Then why are you reporting it now? Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.
Racist jokes are like Mexicans
They're always crossing the line.
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
Have you heard of atheism?
It’s a non-prophet organization
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
What goes with the Coronavirus?
Lyme Disease
A guy walks in to a psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts
The psychiatrist says "Well I can clearly see your nuts"
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
A frog is born mute
A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to befriend this mute frog and to develop a system of communication with him. Basically the frog blinks once for Yes, twice for No, the tortoise does all the talking and asks all the questions and they get along just fine. Years go by and the frog and the tortoise have fostered a beautiful friendship. But as the frog has gotten older he has become sexually curious and desires to mingle with the other frogs his age. The tortoise senses this one day and asks the frog, ‘do you want me to take you to the pond?’ The frog blinks once for Yes. So the tortoise takes the frog to the pond and starts introducing him to all the other frogs. At first the frog is very nervous but the tortoise does a great job of explaining his disability and all the other frogs are very accepting of his condition. The mute frog ends up making a lot of new friends which boosts his confidence. And then the frog spies across the pond a beautiful girl frog. He can’t take his eyes off of her and the tortoise catches him staring. The tortoise says, ‘You like her, don’t you?’ The frog blinks once. The tortoise says, ‘You want me to go talk to her for you?’ The frog blinks twice for No. ‘I see,’ says the tortoise. ‘You wish you could talk to her yourself.’ The frog blinks once, a single tear rolling down his little frog cheek. ‘Well gee, my friend,’ says the tortoise. ‘We’ve been good friends for so long, I think I owe it to you to find a way to restore your voice.’ And with that the tortoise sets out. The tortoise searches all over the forest for days until one day he meets a snake who just so happened to be the most renowned surgeon of all the land. This snake could perform any surgery that exists. The tortoise explains the situation to the snake and asks him if there’s anything the snake can do for the frog. ‘Yessssss,’ the snake replies. ‘There issss one sssurgery I can perform that may ressstore your friend’sss voice, but you have to undersssstand, it’s very risssky. There’sss a fifty percent chance your friend won’t sssurvive the sssurgery.’ ‘Oh my,’ says the tortoise. ‘I’ll be sure to let him know!’ So the tortoise returns to the frog and tells him the news. ‘There’s this snake who might be able to restore your voice, but it’s a coin toss whether or not you survive the procedure. Do you want to go through with this?’ After a long pause, the frog blinks once for Yes. So a day is set aside for the surgery and on that day all of the creatures of the forest gather around the snake and the frog as the snake prepares his tools and the anesthesia starts to kick in. All the creatures of the forest look on anxiously, knowing that in just a few short moments they’re either going to hear their friend’s voice for the first time, or they’re going to lose him forever. And you’ll never guess what happened next. He croaked!
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
https://ift.tt/39jutk7
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."