Murder kit
If you pronounce “fuck off” backwards.
you say it in a British accent.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He shouts, “A beer please! And one for the road!”
How do you clean up after a spitroast sex?
With 2-in-1 shampoo.
A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising “World famous punch!”
The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!" He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!" The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line." The man looks around and doesn't see anything.
A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer
The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer. The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down." The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?" The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?" Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"
Why do pirates love this subreddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Her: I think we need to break up. I’m sick of your addiction to Burger King.
Me: Fine. Have it your way.
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
People tend to get shocked…
When they find out I'm a really bad electrician.
What is red and smells like blue paint
Red paint
What’s Forrest Gump’s Wi-Fi password?
1Forrest1 Edit: Thanks for the Silver Award
You could say I’m B.R.O.K.E.
B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
The first rule of Alzheimer’s Club is.
No text found
Time flies when you’re throwing watches…
No text found
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except for the movie Up. He's never gonna give you Up.
A man goes into the doctor.
He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
Flat earthers have been quiet recently.
They kind of fell off.
What disinfectant do geologists use?
Clo-rocks
People in I’m r/im14andthisisdeep said that this comic would fit in this subreddit
https://ift.tt/2QFLn5b
I’m not sure why my heating bill is so high?
If you’d like to come over to offer me any advice my door is always open
What do orcs want above anything else?
More doors.
Little billy goes to a whorehouse
Madame: little Billy, get out of here! You're too young and you can't afford my girls. Little Billy pulls a huge wad of cash out of his pocket. Billy: I've been saving my allowance all year, and I've got my pubes. I want to bang a whore. Madame: well, okay. You can have any girl in the house except Sandy. Billy: Why can't I have Sandy? Madame: You don't want Sandy! She's got the herpesyphigonalaids! It's the worst VD ever! You don't want that little Billy. Billy: Yes I do! That's what i want! I want the herpesyphigonalaids. Madame: why little Billy? Billy: I'm gonna bang Sandy and she's gonna give me tje herpesyphigonalaids. Then I'm gonna go home and tonight i'll give it to my babysitter, then when my dad drives her home she'll give him the herpesyphigonalaids. When dad gets home he's gonna give mom the herpesyphigonalaids. Then tomorrow while he's at work mom will give the mailman the herpesyphigonalaids. AND THAT'S THE MOTHERF***ER WHO RAN OVER MY DOG!
My doctor told me I was going deaf 2 years ago
Haven't heard from him yet
I Broke My Finger Last Week…
On the other hand, I’m okay.
Cremation isn’t free
You have to urn it
How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted?
Because noble gases don't cause reaction