murdered
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
What does a house wear?
Address
Did you hear about the all-janitor baseball team?
They swept the finals
Alcoholic snails.
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
A Mexican Magician tells audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says uno, dos….*poof*
He disappeared without a tres
An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.
The Angel said to them, “Because both of you are sinners, you’re are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to eat two buckets of shit every day.” The American responded, “Well, I would rather be encompassed by Americans and just eat one bucket of shit daily.” And he was sent to American hell. The Russian thought for a while before replying, “Well, it sort of sucks that we need to eat two buckets of shit, but I rather surround myself with Russians. I choose Russian hell.” And he was sent to Russian hell. A few years later, they met again. The Russian asked the American how his time in hell was. The American replied, ” It’s not too bad actually. It’s comforting that most people are American there and it feels like home. The only sore spot is that I have to eat a bucket of shit daily. What about you?” The Russian replied, “I feel you. It really feels like right at home, either they forget to deliver the shit or there are not enough buckets for everyone.”
A bunch of dudes in cosplay who want to keep the status quo of constant mass shootings
https://ift.tt/2TJFWVZ
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
Child safety bad. (Image shared is pic of computer screen for extra boomer-ness)
https://ift.tt/2E4gstA
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite
But they're a solid #2
The husband leans over and asks his wife
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?
It’s a dream job
My buddy went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Lately, I’ve been really afraid of elevators.
I've been taking steps to avoid them.
If life gives you melons
you might be dyslexic
The first Karen to get covid was….
Impatient zero.
I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to this realization.
So I entered my snail in to a race, but I took his shell off to make him faster.
It ended up making him sluggish.
As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and butterflies in my stomach.
That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!
A farmer buys a young cock
A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one. When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I die" The young cock is desperate to sleep with all these hens, and respects the old chickens last wish, so he agrees. "I want you to fuck me like I am one of them, I've always been curious what it's like, but there's never been another cockerel around" The young rooster is a little put off, but agrees all the same, so he mounts him and starts going when suddenly there is a loud bang, and the young rooster drops dead The farmer puts down his shotgun and says "fuck sake, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month"
Why was the broom late for the meeting?
It overswept.
I lost my notes I was writing for my book called “1,001 ways to cure an itch.”
Guess I'll have to start from scratch.
Knock, knock
shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!” (2020 update)
My Lesbian neighbors Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
I’m really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days
I stopped being breastfed at 3
But enough about my day, how was yours?
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
My sister bet me $15 that i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta.
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a fuckin' checking account" To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!" "I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
I was going to make myself an omelet this morning.
But then, I realized I would miss being a person so I didn't.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.” The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.” The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.” The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”
When can women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
Dad does dementia run in the family?
"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)
Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.
Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.
I spent $80 on a belt that didn’t fit
My wife said it was a huge waist