‘Murica…
What’s the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
What rock group has 4 members that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
When geese make a V in the sky, why is one side always longer than the other?
There are more geese on that side
Sign language really comes in handy
No text found
I want to dedicate this Dad joke to my father, who is a roofer.
So Dad, if you are up there…
This is Greta Thunberg’s favorite subreddit.
She's very appreciative of our commitment to recycling jokes.
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex…
Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
He was afraid of Capitalism.
My friend says to me “What rhymes with banana?”
And I told him "No it doesn't"
My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.
I don’t know how much she charges,
This Sunday is Father’s Day
I just want to give a shout out to all you motherfuckers out there.
How do you top a car?
Tep on the brake, tupid!
Did you hear about the Erectile Dysfunction Anonymous meeting?
It's alright, nobody came.
A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said “Plethora”
She said "thank you, that means a lot"
I was having a good day until I stopped to pet a duck in the park….
Now I'm feeling a little down.
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, but it's gotta be more than three, because my basement's still dark…
Dark humor is like food
Not everyone gets it
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
I don’t mind breakfast in bed
…but I prefer it in a bowl.
Guy walks into a bar…
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake… He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy … do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No … not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"…
There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.
One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives. The left half, more prone to rational thought, spent most of its time in libraries, and got an accounting gig. The right half, more creative, picked up painting, and taught pottery at the local community college. On top of the spectacle of a man split in half, the townsfolk could not believe how rarely they saw both halves of Don at the same place. Indeed, nobody could think of even one occurrence of this happening. Now one day, half a man walks into a bar. The left half of Don, always punctual, walked into the local watering hole at precisely 8:00, and ordered a shot of whisky, which the bartender poured for him. At 8:01, the right half of Don wandered in, sat down, asked for a beer, and nodded to his other half, which nodded back. As the bartender poured him the beer, the left half of Don took his shot, left just enough to cover the bill, and left at precisely 8:02. The bartender was astounded– he was the first person to see the two halves interact since the accident. As it dawned on him how rare this was, the bartender exclaimed, a little louder than he wanted to, "Whole Don here for just one minute!" I will not apologize.
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
Did you know trees can do math?
They're quite good at twigonometree.
Why aren’t people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV.
Because of the telly ban
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep.
Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.
A priest, a nun, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, "I think I'm a Type-O"
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!