‘Murica

I don’t want to sound racist, but…
Every one in the KKK looks the same to me.
When I die, I hope to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?" "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy. "Me too," says the ostrich. The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62." Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
A sheep, drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
Told my PC gamer friend that I bought a home for my rodent.
He should see my new mouse pad.
Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
You can’t breathe through your nose when you’re smiling
Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile
My neighbors cows were stolen last night
He beefed up his security
I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding
He said "suit yourself."
Someone broke into my garage earlier today and stole my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?
This is the only joke I have ever thought of that was (maybe) worth reposting
Long ago, in a land with giants and dragons there lived a very successful man. He made his wealth trading furs, dire wolf cloaks, unicorn hide gloves, tanned kraken belts, dragon scale boots, he traded in them all. This man, however had stopped sitting for any reason, so he would often dominate a room with his tall stature and commanding presence. Why? You may ask, and that is simple, he would always fall out of any seat in which he sat. His mantra began as much as an explanation as it was a focus during long hours of debate, trade, or travel: ”I am bad at sitting.” Those around him believed him cursed, to find a seat was thought impossible. The man was simply very bad at sitting correctly, and due to his stubbornness he decided it was the chairs fault and not his own. This lead to many, often funny circumstances, and harrowing adventures. Using his vast wealth and political connections he sought help from the greatest mages of the east. The mages, certain they could create a chair of such comfort, and natural balance that there is no way the man could fail to sit in it properly. Alas, the man could not get comfortable or remain seated for more than a few moments, and thus he shunned the mages for their incompetence. After the unfortunate failings of the mages he traveled to the west, where the greatest warriors in all the realms of man made their homes. He went from town to town, seeking the greatest of all the warriors, he found and gathered the greatest swordsman, the greatest axe wielder, the greatest archer, the greatest tracker, and even the master of the arenas: who was the finest duelist in the world. From a traveling circus he gathered the best acrobats, those who could walk a quarter inch tightrope for miles without difficulty, with the ability to train others to do the same. The master swordsman was an ancient woman, who taught the merchant patience greater than any other man. The axe wielder trained him in strength, that he was among the strongest men on earth. The Archer taught him the bow, and to hold a steady position for hours, despite his body’s protests. The tracker taught him how to move lightly, he gained such control of his body he could traverse a lightly frozen pond without breaking the ice, or leaving a trace. The arena master taught him to duel, and how to maintain his focus in any circumstance. The acrobats taught him such balance that he could sit upon a sphere of stone, which sat upon a single spike of iron, and maintain this position for days. After years of training, and becoming one of the finest warriors, strongest men, best archers, most capable hunters, an equal to the master of the arena in a duel, and the third finest acrobat in the world, he still could not sit correctly in a chair. He could stand on a chair, he could sleep while balanced on the back of the chair, but he could not sit as he should. He tried for months, patient as the stone he would perch upon. After 17 more Moons, he decided that though he had not given up, perhaps he should seek knowledge and skill that man could not provide. He traveled far to the north, through frozen passes, over the highest mountains, and descended the deepest valleys. He had to hunt to survive, and all those he traveled with died on the untamed mountains. He moved boulders five times his size, he traversed hills that mountain goats would gawk at. In due time, he came to a great cave: the place he had lost so many friends – and so much time – to find. He ventured into the cave, searching for the great white dragon, said to be as ancient as time itself. Upon spotting the man, the dragon roared, loud enough to shake the mountains, and deafen any mortal, but the man stood firm, able to keep his calm in any situation. The dragon, seeing this, used magic to heal the old merchant’s ears, and said ‘What do you want, a human of such strength and skill to reach me, and such nerve as to not cower before me?’ Though the merchant did not understand the language of dragons, he thought he understood the intent of the question. The man said “I am among the wealthiest merchants of the world, the strongest men on this plane, the finest hunter, and tracker known to man, an equal to the legendary duelists of the world, yet I can not sit in a chair. The greatest teachers of men, and the best enchanters in the land could not train me, nor use magic to cheat me, into comfort, or even long term discomfort in a chair. I am simply bad at it. Unfortunately, the dragon did not know the human language very well, and due to gross miscommunication ate the man whole. However, the man did not die, as he lay in the stomach of the dragon, he simply waited, knowing his life had come to an end. Three days passed, the dragon feeling more and more ill as time went on. On the fourth day the dragon’s mate returned, and asked him what was wrong. The Ancient dragon of the north replied “It must have been something I ate, it’s just not sitting right”
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
My girlfriend changed when she became a vegetarian
Its like I had never seen herbivore
A guy is talking to a girl
A guy is talking to a girl : "Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place" "Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?" "No, I'm a dentist."
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
Knock knock
Who’s there? Yah. Yah who? Sorry I prefer Google.
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.
It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes.

Perhaps this is the reason Moscow Mitch can’t agree on impeachment trial terms with Trump
https://ift.tt/35yTXJc
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?” He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there”.

Thank goodness we have “judge” Jeanine Pirro to help us with the legal language.
https://ift.tt/2tO6Ql2
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed
Trouble is, none of them work.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
Because it was two tired.
I told a poltergeist that I’d give him $10,000 to leave my home forever
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
What’s one vegetable you should NEVER bring on a boat?
LEEKS. (my 10yo told me this – he said he thought it up himself.)
A newly wed couple are in bed together
A newly wed couple are in bed together. The wife reaches over to grab her husband. "Oh my God, it's so big" she said. The husband gave a pleased hum. "Are they all this big?" She asked. "More or less," he said. "It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed. "Yeah," he said nonplussed. "I want this so bad," she moaned. "I can see that," he replied amused. "Half the time the pockets on my pants are fake!" Note: this was an actual conversation I had with my wife