Murica! Fuck yeah!
Can February March?
Can February March? No, but April May.
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
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I want a divorce…
I told The the judge. “All my wife does every night is go out bar after bar” “What is she doing” the judge replied “Looking for me”
What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
There‘s one less drunk.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
Detroit isn’t That Bad… Trust Me
A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying. "No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family." The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community is great… you'll be fine, trust me." The other guy seems to perk up and says, "Hey, thanks man, you've really calmed my nerves, I feel better. So what do you do in Detroit?" "I'm a tail-gunner on a Bud Light truck…"
My friends caught me listening to an audiobook of the digits of pi…
and I never heard the end of it…
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover it’s butt-quack.
Several copies of The Age of Reason and Common Sense fell on me.
I'm in a lot of Paine.
I called the tinnitus hotline
It didn't stop ringing
What do you call a T-rex that sells guns?
A small arms dealer!
Why did the medium cross the road?
To talk to the other side
Not sure if this counts but my dad (a boomer) sent this to me and I thought it was great.
https://ift.tt/3cZPYJT
How do kids tell you their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
“The 24th of December is Christmas Eve”
"No it fucking isn't, Adam."
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that…
…he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets. "Was I smiling?" Trump asked. "I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."
What do you call someone who does a BA in Arts, a MA in English and a PhD in Gender Studies?
A well educated Barista
It’s always communism. Everything that they don’t like is always somehow communism.
https://ift.tt/3aQ6Gt8
You know what I hate about cliffhangers?
Find out next week on r/jokes
6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes
He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"
When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied.
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
My chickens got really upset when their home was destroyed.
But they'll recoup.
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It received two consecutive sentences.
I’m so happy its tick season soon…
I enjoy a little Lyme with my Corona
My wife was mad at me because she said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
911 what’s your emergency?
"Hello yes my Wife is going into labour!" "Is this her first child?" "No this is her husband"
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Post Malone just suspended his tour
Guess that makes him postponed Malone
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a row…
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
Ever wondered what to say to your sister when she’s crying ?
“Are you having a crisis ?”
I remember when Mom used to tuck me in
She really wanted a daughter.
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad
He wanted to be a millionaire too
I think my wife is a time traveler
I've seen that doctors are saying you should avoid close physical contact to stop the spread of coronavirus. Somehow she knew about this years ago.
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!” Man, I really hate…
…living next to Farmer Geddon!
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Neverland's.
What’s the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain bolt can finish a race